Angry Disney World Ranter Says Childless People Should Be Banned From The Theme Park
Aww, is someone angry because they secretly hate being a mother?
Monday, July 29, 2019
Wednesday, July 3, 2019
Song of the Day
Ever since hearing it driving to work one morning a few months back, I have been absolutely obsessed with this cover:
Saturday, June 8, 2019
Random Thoughts
I was initially handling my FWA being out pretty well. Now I'm starting to feel panicky, especially looking at the amount of working slowly building up every day. It's not helping that records keep coming in that practically need their own zip code. In the past 2 weeks, we've had a 2 12-inch chart and an 11.25-inch chart come in. And this is on top of several 2+ inch charts that keep coming. Like what the fuck is going on with these people? And a lot of times, they have all these goddamn freaking records and their injury is something ridiculously minute, like they picked up something wrong.
And instead of just staying home and worrying about raising her crotch demon, the bitch has already been pumping people about the workload. She apparently figured it would get really bad while she was out. And the fact that it's starting to look that way is really grinding my gears and frustrating me to all holy hell that I can't just not care and pump out voluminous half-assed work like her.
And aside from being incredibly frustrated with myself, it also frustrates me how inexcusable this is. It's not like my FWA came in one day and said "I'm pregnant" and immediately went out on maternity leave. Oh no, not her. She made sure to let everyone know ASAP, so my manager had every goddamn right to better prepare for this. But then again this is the same person who gets annoyed that 2 of her employees are talking excessively and instead of coming out and telling them to shut the fuck up and get to work, she shuts her office door.
And instead of just staying home and worrying about raising her crotch demon, the bitch has already been pumping people about the workload. She apparently figured it would get really bad while she was out. And the fact that it's starting to look that way is really grinding my gears and frustrating me to all holy hell that I can't just not care and pump out voluminous half-assed work like her.
And aside from being incredibly frustrated with myself, it also frustrates me how inexcusable this is. It's not like my FWA came in one day and said "I'm pregnant" and immediately went out on maternity leave. Oh no, not her. She made sure to let everyone know ASAP, so my manager had every goddamn right to better prepare for this. But then again this is the same person who gets annoyed that 2 of her employees are talking excessively and instead of coming out and telling them to shut the fuck up and get to work, she shuts her office door.
Sunday, May 5, 2019
Random Thoughts
So far doing well with work. Frankly, finally having some variety in work tasks is extremely appealing to me.
My manager has told me numerous times that she trusts me to handle many of the tasks in the office and that I should take it as a good thing. She also tells me I need to have more confidence in myself. Which I am well aware of. Every time people tell me that, I feel like saying trust me I know. Of course, my problem isn't so much I need more confidence in myself. I need confidence period, because I have very little, if any. If I had confidence in myself, I wouldn't be working there. I would have graduated college like a normal person, probably working as a radiology technologist like I initially planned on doing. Until mental illness, an ever increasing decline in confidence and self esteem, and an overwhelming fear of touching people got in the way.
For the longest time, if I was having to eat out on Sunday, I would get annoyed. Lately, though, it's all I have been wanting to do. I almost was going to eat home tonight, but convinced everyone to order pizza. And now I feel really guilty and like a real shithead for doing so, not to mention what my digestive system feels like. And I know when I wake up tomorrow morning, my digestive system is going to feel even worse, and I'm really going to curse myself. I'm also feeling guilty for making my parents eat bad, especially with their cholesterol levels. I feel like a rotten child.
"Comfortably Numb"just came up on my iTunes playlist. I wish I was comfortably numb right now. Also, I wish one day in work, a patient would come up to the desk window, no one will be there at the moment, and they say "hello, hello, hello is there anybody in there?". I swear to God, I would give that person $50, because it would absolutely make my day.
My manager has told me numerous times that she trusts me to handle many of the tasks in the office and that I should take it as a good thing. She also tells me I need to have more confidence in myself. Which I am well aware of. Every time people tell me that, I feel like saying trust me I know. Of course, my problem isn't so much I need more confidence in myself. I need confidence period, because I have very little, if any. If I had confidence in myself, I wouldn't be working there. I would have graduated college like a normal person, probably working as a radiology technologist like I initially planned on doing. Until mental illness, an ever increasing decline in confidence and self esteem, and an overwhelming fear of touching people got in the way.
For the longest time, if I was having to eat out on Sunday, I would get annoyed. Lately, though, it's all I have been wanting to do. I almost was going to eat home tonight, but convinced everyone to order pizza. And now I feel really guilty and like a real shithead for doing so, not to mention what my digestive system feels like. And I know when I wake up tomorrow morning, my digestive system is going to feel even worse, and I'm really going to curse myself. I'm also feeling guilty for making my parents eat bad, especially with their cholesterol levels. I feel like a rotten child.
"Comfortably Numb"just came up on my iTunes playlist. I wish I was comfortably numb right now. Also, I wish one day in work, a patient would come up to the desk window, no one will be there at the moment, and they say "hello, hello, hello is there anybody in there?". I swear to God, I would give that person $50, because it would absolutely make my day.
Sunday, April 28, 2019
Random Thoughts
A few days before my FWA left for let's screw my coworkers because of my choices leave, the one who tells like it is but never does announced she was going to be leaving for another job. Her last day was this past Friday. This should be fun, two people being gone at the same time.
For the most part, I didn't really dislike her, but she could be very trying as a coworker. You were damned if you do, damned if you don't with her. If you didn't do something, she bitched. If you did something, she found something to bitch about it. Most of the time I fought with myself whether or not to do something, because I wasn't sure which was the correct thing to do. So the one upside is one less person to walk on eggshells around. Sometimes I wonder if lawyers or doctors are as demanding as some of my coworkers. Apparently when Ms. Hail to the V's stuff is being set up for her next workday, there are many exact specifications of how it's done. Seriously- you're medical assistants, get the fuck over yourselves.
(And yes, I am completely aware of the complete and utter hypocrisy in my complaint of being damned if you do, damned if you don't, because if anyone is like that, it's me. There is basically NEVER any pleasing me.)
However, there is a little bit of bright light at the end of the tunnel regarding being short workers- my FWA delivered yesterday, more than a week early.
For the most part, I didn't really dislike her, but she could be very trying as a coworker. You were damned if you do, damned if you don't with her. If you didn't do something, she bitched. If you did something, she found something to bitch about it. Most of the time I fought with myself whether or not to do something, because I wasn't sure which was the correct thing to do. So the one upside is one less person to walk on eggshells around. Sometimes I wonder if lawyers or doctors are as demanding as some of my coworkers. Apparently when Ms. Hail to the V's stuff is being set up for her next workday, there are many exact specifications of how it's done. Seriously- you're medical assistants, get the fuck over yourselves.
(And yes, I am completely aware of the complete and utter hypocrisy in my complaint of being damned if you do, damned if you don't, because if anyone is like that, it's me. There is basically NEVER any pleasing me.)
However, there is a little bit of bright light at the end of the tunnel regarding being short workers- my FWA delivered yesterday, more than a week early.
Monday, April 15, 2019
Scheisse!
I am not even sure I got 3 hours of sleep last night. One, it was Sunday night, so I was having my typical Sunday night insomnia. Two, it was about 500 degrees in my bedroom, and as I am someone who absolutely positively cannot sleep without something covering me, I was having an extremely difficult time trying to get comfortable without resorting to being uncovered.
But the cherry on top was my area being under an enhanced threat of severe weather pretty much all of yesterday and overnight. Numerous tornado watches popped up all day long, and I knew eventually we were probably going to get one, but it wasn't until sometime after 1AM that NJ was placed under a tornado watch. That made it even more difficult for me to try to fall asleep, plus I had this unrelenting anxiety that at some point my phone was going to start blaring at me with a tornado warning. Tornadoes terrify the ever loving fuck out of me on a normal basis, but a night tornado? Hell no. At some point, I drifted off after 2 but was woke up not much later at around 3:35AM by a rumble of thunder. And I immediately checked the SPC and seen that my area was under a tornado warning, set to expire at 3:45AM. Not long after that a fairly strong thunderstorm came through. A lot of rain, wind, and lightening, but thankfully no tornado or straight line winds or anything like that. I sat in the living room until the storm died down, then jumped on my bike for a half hour to burn off some of the anxiety, washed off quickly and tried to relax. I think maybe sometime around 6AM I drifted off again only to wake up about 45 minutes later.
Before I left for work, I peeked through Facebook and there were a lot of posts about people receiving loud alert messages about the tornado warning on their phones. I never received one. I've received alert messages in the past for flash flood warnings (many of which came when I was trying to fall alseep in bed, scared the ever loving shit out of me hearing that blaring), yet many times when we've gotten tornado warnings, my mom's cellphone alerted her, but mine didn't despite the fact that we share a plan and I have my phone set to receive all emergency alerts, so it's not the first time it's happened. I just find it funny because I was so anxious about receiving one yet I didn't receive one. Although I guess that's not entirely a bad thing, because hearing that ungodly noise in such a state of heightened anxiety probably would have caused me to have a stroke.
But the cherry on top was my area being under an enhanced threat of severe weather pretty much all of yesterday and overnight. Numerous tornado watches popped up all day long, and I knew eventually we were probably going to get one, but it wasn't until sometime after 1AM that NJ was placed under a tornado watch. That made it even more difficult for me to try to fall asleep, plus I had this unrelenting anxiety that at some point my phone was going to start blaring at me with a tornado warning. Tornadoes terrify the ever loving fuck out of me on a normal basis, but a night tornado? Hell no. At some point, I drifted off after 2 but was woke up not much later at around 3:35AM by a rumble of thunder. And I immediately checked the SPC and seen that my area was under a tornado warning, set to expire at 3:45AM. Not long after that a fairly strong thunderstorm came through. A lot of rain, wind, and lightening, but thankfully no tornado or straight line winds or anything like that. I sat in the living room until the storm died down, then jumped on my bike for a half hour to burn off some of the anxiety, washed off quickly and tried to relax. I think maybe sometime around 6AM I drifted off again only to wake up about 45 minutes later.
Before I left for work, I peeked through Facebook and there were a lot of posts about people receiving loud alert messages about the tornado warning on their phones. I never received one. I've received alert messages in the past for flash flood warnings (many of which came when I was trying to fall alseep in bed, scared the ever loving shit out of me hearing that blaring), yet many times when we've gotten tornado warnings, my mom's cellphone alerted her, but mine didn't despite the fact that we share a plan and I have my phone set to receive all emergency alerts, so it's not the first time it's happened. I just find it funny because I was so anxious about receiving one yet I didn't receive one. Although I guess that's not entirely a bad thing, because hearing that ungodly noise in such a state of heightened anxiety probably would have caused me to have a stroke.
Saturday, April 6, 2019
I Can Not
I know there are a lot of stupid people in society, but I have never in my life knew that there were people so incapable of common sense like the people I work with.
Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the laxity of the place to a degree, but my God a line has to be drawn somewhere. We've already been through how much my FWA gets away with. The miserable old bitch, whenever she isn't doing her normal job of integration, shreds charts, a job that is basically an absolute last resort of last things to do. She's been trained to do other things, but does my manager ever force her to do anything else? No, no she does not. She allows her to just do whatever the fuck she wants when she doesn't have integration work, with the exception of pulling out a book and reading, which hand to God she has actually tried to get away with doing.
Our most senior worker, while a good worker, I'm fucking sick and tired of the special privileges and hearing the bullshit of her age, the fact that she's been there 25 years, etc. Guess what? Nobody is forcing her to work. She CHOOSES to still work.
And then this is what really has me ready to blow my cork. We have had months- fucking MONTHS- and plenty of downtime for people to cross train before my FWA goes out on maternity leave. Did anybody? No, no they did not. Did anyone offer? No, no they did not. Now she's going to be going out in less than 2 weeks for 24 fucking weeks. I cannot for the life of me understand why she is going to be out for so long, except that she's a histrionic little cunt.
Then I get an email the other day that my manager wants me to take over something my FWA does while she's out on maternity leave. Sure, because I'm not going to be fucking frazzled as is! Don't get me wrong, I like learning new things and having variety but I don't understand why someone else can't learn to do it. Apparently the miserable old bitch and our most senior worker, they're both just ever exempt from ever learning anything new. And the one who talks a lot is never taught anything new because she's so damn stupid (I'm not kidding, that is really why she isn't taught anything new).
Oh, and I'm sure our most senior worker will be exempt from ever being asked to do overtime when needed while the bitch is out. Probably no one else will be, with the exception of yours truly and our one at-home worker who is usually pretty good about doing it. It'll be so nice watching everyone get to skip out early because my manager is too incompetent to plan better for this.
I don't mind picking up the slack if someone is out for a medical reason, but picking up the slack because of someone's CHOICE? Fuck that. Frankly I think people who choose to not or can't have kids should be granted a maternity-like leave so those who screw their companies with their maternity, paternity, whatever the fuck CHOICE leaves can get it stuck up the ass for once.
And yes, while I like extra money, it's hard to think of doing overtime when you're barely making it through the 8 hours a day you're already doing. Struggling enough that not even halfway into your shift you're wishing you had a gun so you could go into the bathroom and blow your brains out, or you're entertaining the idea of walking out of the building and running into the major highway behind your complex. It's starting to get deeply concerning just how bad my depression is getting.
Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the laxity of the place to a degree, but my God a line has to be drawn somewhere. We've already been through how much my FWA gets away with. The miserable old bitch, whenever she isn't doing her normal job of integration, shreds charts, a job that is basically an absolute last resort of last things to do. She's been trained to do other things, but does my manager ever force her to do anything else? No, no she does not. She allows her to just do whatever the fuck she wants when she doesn't have integration work, with the exception of pulling out a book and reading, which hand to God she has actually tried to get away with doing.
Our most senior worker, while a good worker, I'm fucking sick and tired of the special privileges and hearing the bullshit of her age, the fact that she's been there 25 years, etc. Guess what? Nobody is forcing her to work. She CHOOSES to still work.
And then this is what really has me ready to blow my cork. We have had months- fucking MONTHS- and plenty of downtime for people to cross train before my FWA goes out on maternity leave. Did anybody? No, no they did not. Did anyone offer? No, no they did not. Now she's going to be going out in less than 2 weeks for 24 fucking weeks. I cannot for the life of me understand why she is going to be out for so long, except that she's a histrionic little cunt.
Then I get an email the other day that my manager wants me to take over something my FWA does while she's out on maternity leave. Sure, because I'm not going to be fucking frazzled as is! Don't get me wrong, I like learning new things and having variety but I don't understand why someone else can't learn to do it. Apparently the miserable old bitch and our most senior worker, they're both just ever exempt from ever learning anything new. And the one who talks a lot is never taught anything new because she's so damn stupid (I'm not kidding, that is really why she isn't taught anything new).
Oh, and I'm sure our most senior worker will be exempt from ever being asked to do overtime when needed while the bitch is out. Probably no one else will be, with the exception of yours truly and our one at-home worker who is usually pretty good about doing it. It'll be so nice watching everyone get to skip out early because my manager is too incompetent to plan better for this.
I don't mind picking up the slack if someone is out for a medical reason, but picking up the slack because of someone's CHOICE? Fuck that. Frankly I think people who choose to not or can't have kids should be granted a maternity-like leave so those who screw their companies with their maternity, paternity, whatever the fuck CHOICE leaves can get it stuck up the ass for once.
And yes, while I like extra money, it's hard to think of doing overtime when you're barely making it through the 8 hours a day you're already doing. Struggling enough that not even halfway into your shift you're wishing you had a gun so you could go into the bathroom and blow your brains out, or you're entertaining the idea of walking out of the building and running into the major highway behind your complex. It's starting to get deeply concerning just how bad my depression is getting.
Monday, March 25, 2019
Random Thoughts
As I was driving zombified into work this morning, I had one of our newest radio stations on (the Breeze- love it) and as the announcer was talking (thumbs up to Val- miss hearing her and the rest of the Breakfast Club on 98.1), I heard it....the beginning sounds of "Father Figure". I hmm'd and haw'd whether to change it, but ended up listening to it because goddamn, no matter how spooked I am from that dream, it's still a damn good song. And made it through unharmed, e.g my head didn't explode, an asteroid didn't crash, the earth didn't split open or fall off its axis, etc. However, I still had this gnawing strange indescribable depressed feeling afterwards. WHAT IN THE HELL happened in that dream that has me so troubled? It's driving me crazy not knowing.
Friday, March 22, 2019
Random Thoughts
Have you ever had a dream that just haunts you to no end? Almost 2 weeks ago, I had a very bizarre dream, and to this day it's still bothering me. The strange thing is, I remember almost nothing about it, just that I was walking around inside some big theater-type place and George Michael's "Father Figure" was playing, yet for some reason, I have been haunted by it since. I love that song, but whatever it was about the dream that has me so disturbed has made me completely unable to listen to it.
Is developing an aversion to something because of a bad experience normal? I can walk into a room and forget why I came in, yet I can distinctly remember the drive to the crazy house on 1/13/06 and the fact that I was listening to the song "Valerie" by Steve Winwood. And to this day, I still can't listen to that day without those memories flooding my head. Or how I can't listen to Depeche Mode's Playing the Angel album without thinking of that time period as well. And forget even trying to listen to the Scorpions' "Send Me an Angel", another song I listened to a lot during that time period- the end result is usually a lot of tears and borderline panic attack. To this day, I will never understand why that time period and hospital stay traumatized me so bad. The hospital stay was basically a waste of my time, but overall it wasn't that terrible. So why I am still so affected by it?
Then again, it's not like I come from a family particularly known for letting shit go. And Lord knows I could probably win gold or platinum in that category. Not being able to let shit go is probably >95% of why I have mental illness.
Is developing an aversion to something because of a bad experience normal? I can walk into a room and forget why I came in, yet I can distinctly remember the drive to the crazy house on 1/13/06 and the fact that I was listening to the song "Valerie" by Steve Winwood. And to this day, I still can't listen to that day without those memories flooding my head. Or how I can't listen to Depeche Mode's Playing the Angel album without thinking of that time period as well. And forget even trying to listen to the Scorpions' "Send Me an Angel", another song I listened to a lot during that time period- the end result is usually a lot of tears and borderline panic attack. To this day, I will never understand why that time period and hospital stay traumatized me so bad. The hospital stay was basically a waste of my time, but overall it wasn't that terrible. So why I am still so affected by it?
Then again, it's not like I come from a family particularly known for letting shit go. And Lord knows I could probably win gold or platinum in that category. Not being able to let shit go is probably >95% of why I have mental illness.
Saturday, March 9, 2019
The Bitch Is Back
Wow, I can't believe it's been over 2 years since I last graced everyone with my presence. I blame the Prozac. Since I started that shit, it's done nothing but take my ability to express my feelings (which I had issues with prior to starting Prozac) and just traps it inside me, leaving me with so much pent up miserableness that any day now I'm waiting for the mother of all breakdowns to come. And at the point I'm at, I'm not sure that's going to be such a terrible thing.
My FWA is pregnant again. And just as obnoxious as she was before. Everything is blamed on the pregnancy. Every time we walk by her or she walks by us, the hand has to start rubbing her belly. Bitching about this, bitching about that. And I want to be excited about her going out on maternity leave soon. But I'm fucking freaking out. And then it doesn't help that we've had a higher number of reviewers lately so the workload has been kind of light (first holiday season I was able to leave normal time), and one of them resigned on Friday. So now I'm really freaking out. And really beating myself up that I can't handle doing such a simple job that apparently any idiot can be hired to do. Of course I don't doubt that having anxiety and OCD doesn't contribute to that. I can't NOT care about the quality of my work like everyone else apparently does.
I've always suspected I've had misophonia but lately it's been really bad. Again, I'm not sure if this is something Prozac is contributing to (it was never this bad until I started Prozac). Nearly every little noise gets on my nerves, practically to the point where I honest to God wish I would go deaf just because I can't fucking stand it anymore. And one of the things that really gets under my skin is hearing people collate in work. Everyone is obnoxiously loud with flicking through paper and the sound drives me fucking bonkers. I'm surprised I actually have any teeth left because I grind them so hard the whole day in work. I can't stand the sound so much and every time I hear it I want to put my hands over my ears and start screaming SHUT THE FUCK UP over and over and over again. The level of agitation I feel every time I hear it can be terrifying.
There are so many days anymore where I wish I would just get the guts to end it already.
On the plus side, after years of chickening out, I finally did it in November- I went through with LASIK! It cost me a pretty penny but with the exception of dry eye (which I had some issues with before), so far so good.
But let me tell you- laugh heartily anytime you hear commercials about $250 an eye LASIK. You must hardly be nearsighted to qualify for that.
My FWA is pregnant again. And just as obnoxious as she was before. Everything is blamed on the pregnancy. Every time we walk by her or she walks by us, the hand has to start rubbing her belly. Bitching about this, bitching about that. And I want to be excited about her going out on maternity leave soon. But I'm fucking freaking out. And then it doesn't help that we've had a higher number of reviewers lately so the workload has been kind of light (first holiday season I was able to leave normal time), and one of them resigned on Friday. So now I'm really freaking out. And really beating myself up that I can't handle doing such a simple job that apparently any idiot can be hired to do. Of course I don't doubt that having anxiety and OCD doesn't contribute to that. I can't NOT care about the quality of my work like everyone else apparently does.
I've always suspected I've had misophonia but lately it's been really bad. Again, I'm not sure if this is something Prozac is contributing to (it was never this bad until I started Prozac). Nearly every little noise gets on my nerves, practically to the point where I honest to God wish I would go deaf just because I can't fucking stand it anymore. And one of the things that really gets under my skin is hearing people collate in work. Everyone is obnoxiously loud with flicking through paper and the sound drives me fucking bonkers. I'm surprised I actually have any teeth left because I grind them so hard the whole day in work. I can't stand the sound so much and every time I hear it I want to put my hands over my ears and start screaming SHUT THE FUCK UP over and over and over again. The level of agitation I feel every time I hear it can be terrifying.
There are so many days anymore where I wish I would just get the guts to end it already.
On the plus side, after years of chickening out, I finally did it in November- I went through with LASIK! It cost me a pretty penny but with the exception of dry eye (which I had some issues with before), so far so good.
But let me tell you- laugh heartily anytime you hear commercials about $250 an eye LASIK. You must hardly be nearsighted to qualify for that.
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