Can the Oscars get over already so I can see the news FFS? Because of course they have to be on the station of the only news broadcast I like to watch.
I am also annoyed because all of the fingers on my right hand are red, puffy, warm, and pulsing- minus my pinky which feels cold- and every finger on my left hand is cold.
Sunday, February 22, 2015
Random Thoughts
The Oscars are on tonight. How exciting, watching a bunch of rich people pat themselves on the back and get goody bags worth more than most people's annual salaries and full of shit that probably none of them need and can easily afford on their own.
For the past several weeks, every time I turn on my computer, the clock is off and I have to go manually sync it to the time server. It's starting to drive me nuts, especially because now there are days it won't even sync. My first thought was malware, but I have ran multiple scans and except for cookies, nothing shows up. I googled it earlier and it sounds like it could be hardware problem. Wouldn't surprise me, considering my computer is almost 6 years old.
As I say every Sunday night, I don't want to go back to work tomorrow. I look at my work log every Friday afternoon before I submit it and want to cry. Knowing I am not pulling my weight is frustrating the hell out of me, because I don't like to feel like I am not equally participating. There's days it makes me feel so awful I just want to pack up all of my shit and walk out.
I haven't really been on much so I haven't gotten around to mentioning that the company gave us bonuses. Pretty damn decent ones. And I have never felt so undeserving of something in my life.
This right here should be incentive to take the Prozac. But it's not. I also suspect Prozac won't help me with That Thing, either. If anything needs to be tackled by medication, that is one of them! My mother said to me the other day when I was complaining about taking it that I won't know if it will make me gain weight or not unless I take it. Which is true. And yeah, if it starts to put weight on me, then I can just do like I did with birth control and quit it. But part of me fears that it will alter my body in some way that I won't be able to get the weight off and/or I'll keep gaining.
I wish I could remember how exactly it affected my weight the last time I took it and whether it affected my weight at all dosages or just a certain dosage. The only thing I distinctly remember is of all of the medications I took following my funny farm stay, it was one of the only ones that did something, albeit mildly, and for some reason, 20 mgs worked better than 40 mgs.
Thanks to the snow yesterday, I was in pretty much the whole day and was bored and feeling anxious and restless, so I started cleaning up things. And one of those things was paperwork. And I came across paperwork from when I was hospitalized and laughed when I came across the "Voluntary Admission" consent form. Voluntary admission my ass. If I was to go there now and admit myself, I would consider that a voluntary admission. But that time I would not consider that voluntarily. It was either sign myself in then or the cops would be called. Either way you look at it I was ending up in the hospital, so how is that voluntary?
Earlier I went through old journals to find any record of when I was on Prozac and couldn't find much, except a monumental amount of second hand embarrassment. Holy zombie Jesus, these journals need to be doused in gasoline and lit on fire. And then the ashes need to be burned. I want to crawl under my desk and die just thinking of some of the shit in there. Even on here, I can go through old posts and think OH GOD WHY and if it's still around years from now, I am sure I will go through these posts and think OH GOD WHY. But these journals are exceptionally bad.
And not only is there a lot of embarrassing shit, but there is a lot about That Thing. That alone makes me want to kill them all with fire. And myself, if anyone should ever read them.
For the past several weeks, every time I turn on my computer, the clock is off and I have to go manually sync it to the time server. It's starting to drive me nuts, especially because now there are days it won't even sync. My first thought was malware, but I have ran multiple scans and except for cookies, nothing shows up. I googled it earlier and it sounds like it could be hardware problem. Wouldn't surprise me, considering my computer is almost 6 years old.
As I say every Sunday night, I don't want to go back to work tomorrow. I look at my work log every Friday afternoon before I submit it and want to cry. Knowing I am not pulling my weight is frustrating the hell out of me, because I don't like to feel like I am not equally participating. There's days it makes me feel so awful I just want to pack up all of my shit and walk out.
I haven't really been on much so I haven't gotten around to mentioning that the company gave us bonuses. Pretty damn decent ones. And I have never felt so undeserving of something in my life.
This right here should be incentive to take the Prozac. But it's not. I also suspect Prozac won't help me with That Thing, either. If anything needs to be tackled by medication, that is one of them! My mother said to me the other day when I was complaining about taking it that I won't know if it will make me gain weight or not unless I take it. Which is true. And yeah, if it starts to put weight on me, then I can just do like I did with birth control and quit it. But part of me fears that it will alter my body in some way that I won't be able to get the weight off and/or I'll keep gaining.
I wish I could remember how exactly it affected my weight the last time I took it and whether it affected my weight at all dosages or just a certain dosage. The only thing I distinctly remember is of all of the medications I took following my funny farm stay, it was one of the only ones that did something, albeit mildly, and for some reason, 20 mgs worked better than 40 mgs.
Thanks to the snow yesterday, I was in pretty much the whole day and was bored and feeling anxious and restless, so I started cleaning up things. And one of those things was paperwork. And I came across paperwork from when I was hospitalized and laughed when I came across the "Voluntary Admission" consent form. Voluntary admission my ass. If I was to go there now and admit myself, I would consider that a voluntary admission. But that time I would not consider that voluntarily. It was either sign myself in then or the cops would be called. Either way you look at it I was ending up in the hospital, so how is that voluntary?
Earlier I went through old journals to find any record of when I was on Prozac and couldn't find much, except a monumental amount of second hand embarrassment. Holy zombie Jesus, these journals need to be doused in gasoline and lit on fire. And then the ashes need to be burned. I want to crawl under my desk and die just thinking of some of the shit in there. Even on here, I can go through old posts and think OH GOD WHY and if it's still around years from now, I am sure I will go through these posts and think OH GOD WHY. But these journals are exceptionally bad.
And not only is there a lot of embarrassing shit, but there is a lot about That Thing. That alone makes me want to kill them all with fire. And myself, if anyone should ever read them.
Song Of The Day
Heard this song for the first time the other morning on 104.5 and can't get enough of it:
Saturday, February 21, 2015
Random Thoughts
There is a trending story on my Facebook page about a dentist being charged with the death of a patient who was having 20 teeth pulled. Twenty teeth? What the hell does someone do in their life to have to have that many teeth pulled at one time? Even if you can't afford to go the dentist, toothpaste and toothbrushes don't cost that much damn money!
Speaking of Facebook, earlier one of my cousin's wives posted something about today being her daughter's first cheerleading competition (followed by "been waiting for this since they said "it's a girl!""- I can't tell you how hard I side-eyed that). Why are there so many girls in cheerleading anymore? And if it's not cheerleading, it's dance. And not cute dancing, like ballet. Dancing where they have more make-up on than a clown and dance like little fucking pole dancers. Does no one enroll their kids in music or art or ballet or anything traditional anymore?
I rolled out of bed earlier this morning to go and get my blood work done, so that is out of the way. Now I just have to await the results of my numerous tests (LH, FSH, prolactin, metabolic, CBC, ANA, erythrocyte sedimentation rate, and a urinalysis. And yes, despite my best efforts, I managed to piss all over my hand doing the last one. As usual.). I am also still waiting on the results of my biopsy. Not sure why I am so anxious to see my results for any of these test- we all know everything will probably come back normal anyway.
I finally got a free weekend after 2 busy weekends and it's frigging snowing again. I thought maybe we were lucking out this winter, but apparently that is not the case. And my sister is still at work for another half hour. I am a nervous wreck about her driving home.
Ooo! I just realized it is Food Factory marathon time! Woooooooo!
Speaking of Facebook, earlier one of my cousin's wives posted something about today being her daughter's first cheerleading competition (followed by "been waiting for this since they said "it's a girl!""- I can't tell you how hard I side-eyed that). Why are there so many girls in cheerleading anymore? And if it's not cheerleading, it's dance. And not cute dancing, like ballet. Dancing where they have more make-up on than a clown and dance like little fucking pole dancers. Does no one enroll their kids in music or art or ballet or anything traditional anymore?
I rolled out of bed earlier this morning to go and get my blood work done, so that is out of the way. Now I just have to await the results of my numerous tests (LH, FSH, prolactin, metabolic, CBC, ANA, erythrocyte sedimentation rate, and a urinalysis. And yes, despite my best efforts, I managed to piss all over my hand doing the last one. As usual.). I am also still waiting on the results of my biopsy. Not sure why I am so anxious to see my results for any of these test- we all know everything will probably come back normal anyway.
I finally got a free weekend after 2 busy weekends and it's frigging snowing again. I thought maybe we were lucking out this winter, but apparently that is not the case. And my sister is still at work for another half hour. I am a nervous wreck about her driving home.
Ooo! I just realized it is Food Factory marathon time! Woooooooo!
*Long Ass Sigh*
I have a bottle of Prozac sitting in my bathroom cabinet. I haven't taken any yet. Because I am too chicken shit. It amazes me how I am so sick of the bullshit, the obsessing, the anxiety, the constant worrying, the feelings of hopelessness and guilt, the feeling of being so blue it's suffocating, the flying off the handle....and the fear of gaining weight manages to overshadow it all.
Apparently there are 3 possible reasons for my women problems- something is wrong with my sexual hormones, something is wrong with my general hormones, or it's stress. I don't doubt the last one has some kind of hand in this all, but the fact that it had to come up as a reason depresses the hell out of me. I am starting to feel like once that mental illness stigma is attached to you, everything in your life is going to be the result of stress. Oh, you're hemorrhaging out of every orifice? Your foot fell off? You have a mass in your boob? Your uterus prolapsed? STRESS
Another thing that is bugging me is how more than once I have said to a doctor that I have OCD and was asked "are you sure you have OCD?". What even? Yes, I am sure. One, I have been diagnosed with it (and have the paperwork to prove it). When I was diagnosed with it, it shocked the hell out of me. It was not a diagnosis I expected. But then I started looking back and realizing how much of my behavior was classic OCD behavior. It frustrates me so much because it's not like I'm just some dolt who is all tee hee I like a clean house I am so OCD. No, this is something that is taking over my whole entire fucking life and making it a living hell. And to be doubted is just downright hurtful. Would someone with diabetes or cancer be asked "are you sure you have diabetes" or "are you sure you have cancer"? No, they wouldn't. I don't think there is every going to be a point in my life where mental illness does not have a stigma. Sure, it may lessen at some point, but I think it's always going to be there in some shape or form.
Apparently there are 3 possible reasons for my women problems- something is wrong with my sexual hormones, something is wrong with my general hormones, or it's stress. I don't doubt the last one has some kind of hand in this all, but the fact that it had to come up as a reason depresses the hell out of me. I am starting to feel like once that mental illness stigma is attached to you, everything in your life is going to be the result of stress. Oh, you're hemorrhaging out of every orifice? Your foot fell off? You have a mass in your boob? Your uterus prolapsed? STRESS
Another thing that is bugging me is how more than once I have said to a doctor that I have OCD and was asked "are you sure you have OCD?". What even? Yes, I am sure. One, I have been diagnosed with it (and have the paperwork to prove it). When I was diagnosed with it, it shocked the hell out of me. It was not a diagnosis I expected. But then I started looking back and realizing how much of my behavior was classic OCD behavior. It frustrates me so much because it's not like I'm just some dolt who is all tee hee I like a clean house I am so OCD. No, this is something that is taking over my whole entire fucking life and making it a living hell. And to be doubted is just downright hurtful. Would someone with diabetes or cancer be asked "are you sure you have diabetes" or "are you sure you have cancer"? No, they wouldn't. I don't think there is every going to be a point in my life where mental illness does not have a stigma. Sure, it may lessen at some point, but I think it's always going to be there in some shape or form.
Tuesday, February 17, 2015
Random Thoughts
There are plenty of things that annoy me about Facebook, but one of the biggest annoyances is when people post about winning things, like you have to post a picture of a car or something and state what color you want along with the picture and you'll be entered for a chance to win a car or whatever is in the picture. It astonishes me how many people fall for this shit.
Finally I got to have my appointment today. Waiting to be seen was not a picnic. For one, the waiting room was completely packed and the only seat that was open was in a corner between some pregnant chick and some old dude. The old dude smelled of cigarettes and kept coughing and the pregnant chick was restless and clearly uncomfortable and I would have actually felt somewhat sorry for her had she not kept leaning over on me and popping her gum. I started getting light-headed and dizzy at one point because I was coming very close to having a panic attack from being so jam-packed in. Then at some point, some lady comes in with her 3 kids and 2 of the kids kept pushing each other off of chairs and onto the floor and Mommy just kept playing on her phone. I was texting my sister and complaining about it and she made some comment that not everyone has the support of family to baby-sit. I texted her back and said that doesn't mean she can't control her kids. She barely even talked to them! It's sad when parents can't even interact with their kids because they're too busy with their eyes glued to their smart phones.
I feel like I got a little somewhere with this doctor. He did order more blood work and my FSH and LH levels are going to be tested again. Something to do with the ratio being off. He says he is not worried about menopause with me, so I take it I am not going through it, I guess. I also had the joy of having a uterine biopsy. Not a pleasant experience by any means. It felt like extremely bad menstrual cramps. And to make matters worse, my period came yesterday so I already had menstrual cramps. And there is the whole having to be examined vaginally while you're bleeding vaginally part. Being examined on a normal basis without my period is embarrassing enough. And apparently my uterus has a slight tilt to it. And I was officially diagnosed with PMDD.
I was also prescribed Prozac and birth control. I really don't want to go pick these up.
Finally I got to have my appointment today. Waiting to be seen was not a picnic. For one, the waiting room was completely packed and the only seat that was open was in a corner between some pregnant chick and some old dude. The old dude smelled of cigarettes and kept coughing and the pregnant chick was restless and clearly uncomfortable and I would have actually felt somewhat sorry for her had she not kept leaning over on me and popping her gum. I started getting light-headed and dizzy at one point because I was coming very close to having a panic attack from being so jam-packed in. Then at some point, some lady comes in with her 3 kids and 2 of the kids kept pushing each other off of chairs and onto the floor and Mommy just kept playing on her phone. I was texting my sister and complaining about it and she made some comment that not everyone has the support of family to baby-sit. I texted her back and said that doesn't mean she can't control her kids. She barely even talked to them! It's sad when parents can't even interact with their kids because they're too busy with their eyes glued to their smart phones.
I feel like I got a little somewhere with this doctor. He did order more blood work and my FSH and LH levels are going to be tested again. Something to do with the ratio being off. He says he is not worried about menopause with me, so I take it I am not going through it, I guess. I also had the joy of having a uterine biopsy. Not a pleasant experience by any means. It felt like extremely bad menstrual cramps. And to make matters worse, my period came yesterday so I already had menstrual cramps. And there is the whole having to be examined vaginally while you're bleeding vaginally part. Being examined on a normal basis without my period is embarrassing enough. And apparently my uterus has a slight tilt to it. And I was officially diagnosed with PMDD.
I was also prescribed Prozac and birth control. I really don't want to go pick these up.
Sunday, February 15, 2015
Song Of The Day
This song has been on my iPod favorites list for almost a year, but I have only started really liking it since this past Christmas Eve:
Random Thoughts
Man, it is BRUTAL outside. It's about 14 degrees Fahrenheit with a real feel of about -1. YUCK. And it's supposed to be pretty brutal this whole week. HOW EXCITING.
And to make the week more exciting, the catty one who used to work at my place is coming in tomorrow for lunch. And everyone will fawn all over like she is some fucking princess. It just astonishes me. And for some reason unknown to me, the one who plays on her phone all the time is going to be in the office all week instead of on the road. How exciting. A whole week of watching her play on her phone and when she isn't doing that, she'll either be talking or spending all of her time on the Facebook page of some place called Enchanted Farms. Or something other than work. This past Friday I watched her spend most of the day on Excel working on her household budget. A couple Fridays ago, her shift was over at 12:30. She stayed until 2. And what did she do that whole time? Spent her time on this Enchanted Farms page. The whole hour and a half. A whole hour and a half of OVERTIME and she didn't even fucking work.
I don't want to lose my job right now, but I would love to see us get shut down just so I can see how everyone else would survive having to work somewhere else. Especially this bitch and my FWA. But then again, lousy workers are always rewarded so they'd probably do just fine. My FWA would create some woe is me sob story (and now she has a baby to use to her advantage!) and everyone will feel sorry for her and cater to her just like the morons at this place do.
And speaking of her, she was a half hour late to work on Friday. Because she got into a fight with her boyfriend's mother. And just as I expected, I had to hear the WHOLE goddamn story later. I can't even begin to describe how badly I wanted to scream I DON'T CARE, OH MY FUCKING GOD I DON'T CARE. Especially because I was already annoyed that a conversation about having bad PMS and being unable to tolerate birth control and having bad cramps every month turned into having to hear about her fucking labor and water breaking again (I guess the fact that I said my cramps primarily affect my back reminded her that she had back labor so she figured it was her chance to turn the whole conversation back to herself). Again- don't care.
And I swear, if I go into work tomorrow and have to hear one person say they went to see 50 Shades of Shit and then rave about it, I am going to go fucking ballistic. I read a rundown on ONTD one day of some of the things Christian Gray (Gray, Grey, don't give enough fucks to google it) does to her in the books and I am beyond appalled that so many women like these books. If you honestly want a man like Christian Gray you need to check your fucking life big time.
God I wish my damn period would come already. I am tired of feeling so damn crabby. I am now getting to the point that I am starting to fret that it's going to come later than last month or not at all. I am so tired of this every month. I felt a little better after my blood work came back normal, but now I am starting to get anxious all over again that I am going through perimenopause. Especially when once again your period is coming later than it has been for years and you're waking up warm during the night or drinking coffee and feeling warm.
Now, if you'll excuse me, it's time for a Food Factory marathon.
And to make the week more exciting, the catty one who used to work at my place is coming in tomorrow for lunch. And everyone will fawn all over like she is some fucking princess. It just astonishes me. And for some reason unknown to me, the one who plays on her phone all the time is going to be in the office all week instead of on the road. How exciting. A whole week of watching her play on her phone and when she isn't doing that, she'll either be talking or spending all of her time on the Facebook page of some place called Enchanted Farms. Or something other than work. This past Friday I watched her spend most of the day on Excel working on her household budget. A couple Fridays ago, her shift was over at 12:30. She stayed until 2. And what did she do that whole time? Spent her time on this Enchanted Farms page. The whole hour and a half. A whole hour and a half of OVERTIME and she didn't even fucking work.
I don't want to lose my job right now, but I would love to see us get shut down just so I can see how everyone else would survive having to work somewhere else. Especially this bitch and my FWA. But then again, lousy workers are always rewarded so they'd probably do just fine. My FWA would create some woe is me sob story (and now she has a baby to use to her advantage!) and everyone will feel sorry for her and cater to her just like the morons at this place do.
And speaking of her, she was a half hour late to work on Friday. Because she got into a fight with her boyfriend's mother. And just as I expected, I had to hear the WHOLE goddamn story later. I can't even begin to describe how badly I wanted to scream I DON'T CARE, OH MY FUCKING GOD I DON'T CARE. Especially because I was already annoyed that a conversation about having bad PMS and being unable to tolerate birth control and having bad cramps every month turned into having to hear about her fucking labor and water breaking again (I guess the fact that I said my cramps primarily affect my back reminded her that she had back labor so she figured it was her chance to turn the whole conversation back to herself). Again- don't care.
And I swear, if I go into work tomorrow and have to hear one person say they went to see 50 Shades of Shit and then rave about it, I am going to go fucking ballistic. I read a rundown on ONTD one day of some of the things Christian Gray (Gray, Grey, don't give enough fucks to google it) does to her in the books and I am beyond appalled that so many women like these books. If you honestly want a man like Christian Gray you need to check your fucking life big time.
God I wish my damn period would come already. I am tired of feeling so damn crabby. I am now getting to the point that I am starting to fret that it's going to come later than last month or not at all. I am so tired of this every month. I felt a little better after my blood work came back normal, but now I am starting to get anxious all over again that I am going through perimenopause. Especially when once again your period is coming later than it has been for years and you're waking up warm during the night or drinking coffee and feeling warm.
Now, if you'll excuse me, it's time for a Food Factory marathon.
Friday, February 13, 2015
Random Thoughts
Not only do I have the PMS from hell this week, but I am also having the digestive system from hell as well. I am bloated and uncomfortable and have bad pains across my belly button area. I know I haven't been eating too great, but man, I didn't even feel this bad at Christmas time.
For some unknown reason last night I decided to look up my deceased friend's Facebook page. I did find it and I was going through her friend's list looking for anyone I may have been interested in friending. There wasn't anyone. And as I was going through the list and looking at people I used to be friends with, all I could think was good God, I really don't miss high school one bit.
And then a pretty sad realization came across my mind- I don't really miss my friend all that much, either. I do, just not nearly as much as I should or thought I did. Sure, she was the only one who kept in touch with me after high school and always remembered my birthday, but once she started hanging out with girls who were on the rebellious side, I was shoved to the back burner. I felt like the only time she would hang out with me was when those girls weren't around.
Then again, that was pretty much what everyone did to me in high school; if their "cool" friends weren't around, then it was hey, let's hang out with boring old Slightly Short of Sane. Old, predictable, dull-as-dishwater Slightly Short of Sane.
For some unknown reason last night I decided to look up my deceased friend's Facebook page. I did find it and I was going through her friend's list looking for anyone I may have been interested in friending. There wasn't anyone. And as I was going through the list and looking at people I used to be friends with, all I could think was good God, I really don't miss high school one bit.
And then a pretty sad realization came across my mind- I don't really miss my friend all that much, either. I do, just not nearly as much as I should or thought I did. Sure, she was the only one who kept in touch with me after high school and always remembered my birthday, but once she started hanging out with girls who were on the rebellious side, I was shoved to the back burner. I felt like the only time she would hang out with me was when those girls weren't around.
Then again, that was pretty much what everyone did to me in high school; if their "cool" friends weren't around, then it was hey, let's hang out with boring old Slightly Short of Sane. Old, predictable, dull-as-dishwater Slightly Short of Sane.
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