I fell asleep without much difficulty last night. Woke up around 3:40AM to pee and I got that dreaded feeling of climbing back into bed and getting hot, although I had woken up feeling pretty comfortable. And sure enough, as soon as I did so, I could feel myself starting to feel hot. So, I started to take deep breaths and forced myself (with extreme difficulty) to start thinking of pleasant things and....I fell back asleep. Woke up at 5:25 and did the same thing and fell back asleep.
I am feeling kind of warm right now. Is it because I just got out of the shower 20 minutes ago? Because I am thinking about it? I don't know what to think anymore.
Thursday, January 8, 2015
Wednesday, January 7, 2015
Random Thoughts
For some unknown reason, I just listened to "Fireflies" by Owl City 4 times in a row. Last time I heard that song was when I was in a Wal-Fart in Myrtle Beach back in September. I still like it. Guilty as charged. I have no idea what it's about, but I think it's a cute song.
So I had no problem falling asleep last night. And then I had to wake up at 4:30 feeling hot. Then cold. Then hot again. Then cold. And so on. I never did fall back asleep, either, so I went into work with about 4 hours of sleep. I am exhausted. I could barely stay awake in work and I'd almost swear I half-dozed off a couple of times.
My mom's theory is always it's just the house, the temperature gets funny at night. Well, then why has it never been a problem before? Pretty sure last winter I was sleeping under 4 covers as opposed to the 3 I am sleeping under now. And I slept pretty well throughout December, except for one Sunday night I can recall and from Christmas morning on.
I am already getting nervous about going to bed. I don't know if this is going to keep up until my period decides to come (if it comes, although with as cranky as I have been lately I am thinking it should hopefully be soon) or if it's going to continue on afterwards. I'll lose my fucking mind if it keeps up. I just want a good night's sleep!
So I had no problem falling asleep last night. And then I had to wake up at 4:30 feeling hot. Then cold. Then hot again. Then cold. And so on. I never did fall back asleep, either, so I went into work with about 4 hours of sleep. I am exhausted. I could barely stay awake in work and I'd almost swear I half-dozed off a couple of times.
My mom's theory is always it's just the house, the temperature gets funny at night. Well, then why has it never been a problem before? Pretty sure last winter I was sleeping under 4 covers as opposed to the 3 I am sleeping under now. And I slept pretty well throughout December, except for one Sunday night I can recall and from Christmas morning on.
I am already getting nervous about going to bed. I don't know if this is going to keep up until my period decides to come (if it comes, although with as cranky as I have been lately I am thinking it should hopefully be soon) or if it's going to continue on afterwards. I'll lose my fucking mind if it keeps up. I just want a good night's sleep!
Tuesday, January 6, 2015
Random Thoughts
Last night I went to bed with a knot in my stomach. An hour later, I was still awake and I said fuck this shit I am not going another night without sleep and took a Unisom. About 20 minutes later I conked out and didn't wake up until my alarm screeched at 7:00AM. I felt hungover as hell and so badly wanted to call out of work and climb back into bed. But hey, I slept, did I not?!
When I got up, there was something I noticed- I did not feel warm or like I sweated at all. And an unsettling thought came to mind- is something really off in my body and giving me some super mild version of night sweats (minus the sweats)....or is it all just my anxiety? I have felt my anxiety do some pretty nasty shit to me, but can anxiety really be that powerful?
I have 21 days until my appointment. I keep telling myself I have made it this long, I can hold out another 3 weeks, but with how I have been feeling, it's going to be extremely difficult.
When I got up, there was something I noticed- I did not feel warm or like I sweated at all. And an unsettling thought came to mind- is something really off in my body and giving me some super mild version of night sweats (minus the sweats)....or is it all just my anxiety? I have felt my anxiety do some pretty nasty shit to me, but can anxiety really be that powerful?
I have 21 days until my appointment. I keep telling myself I have made it this long, I can hold out another 3 weeks, but with how I have been feeling, it's going to be extremely difficult.
Monday, January 5, 2015
And Here We Go Again
I went to bed last night feeling very chilled and anxious. Was still awake around 1:30 AM so I got up and took Advil to try and relax. Two-thirty rolled around and I was still awake. Around 3, I started to feel overheated and I got up out of bed and started to cry and the more upset I got, the hotter I got. Then I finally calmed down some and I felt a little more comfortable body-temperature wise for a little bit. Then I got very chilled and eventually fell asleep....only to wake up at 4:35AM. And get overheated again followed by feeling comfortable followed by feeling chilled again. I honestly don't know if I ever fell back asleep, so I am guessing I am running on 1 hour of sleep. Today is going to be brutal. And my anxiety levels over something being wrong with my hormones are rising.
Sunday, January 4, 2015
Random Thoughts
I am still listening to Christmas music. I am a sad piece of work.
The past 3 mornings I have woken up feeling warm. This morning was the worst. And when I finally got out of bed several hours later, I exercised as usual and I was pretty sweaty. Stayed feeling kind of warm, yet chilled for a few hours. And then I felt really chilled the rest of the day. I wish I could explain the feeling warm yet chilled feeling. It's really difficult to explain, though, except to look at this way- when you're hot, you might take layers off or put a fan on or go outside into the cold weather. But I don't want to do that, because I am feeling chilled at the same. Ugh, that's still not a good way to explain it. All I know is I feel like my body temperature regulation is completely out of whack and can't seem to keep me comfortable.
Earlier I decided to take a look down below at things (why, I don't know) and it was that dark red almost purplish color on the inner part and really white on the outer part. I don't understand why in the second half of my cycle, my vaginal area does that. It's really scary looking. It's something I definitely have to remember to bring up when I go to the doctor.
I don't know if it's the start of PMS or what, but I have been one nasty bitch for the past couple of days. I came home on Friday with such a stick up my ass and was snapping out on everyone and I don't even know why. I was kind of cranky yesterday, but was more emotional than anything. I have been in a pissy mood all day today. And very depressed. Maybe it's all due the fact that I haven't been sleeping well because I dread going to bed that I am going to wake up feeling warm or worse, having an actual full-blown night sweat episode where I wake up drenched in sweat.
Ugh I am not looking forward to going back to work tomorrow. Back to a full week of work. No more holidays until May. It's going to be brutal.
And everything is so damn dark and depressing. Our lights are off, most of the houses on my street have their lights off and/or decorations down. I can't stand it. It's rained the whole weekend. Today was above 60 degrees and then tomorrow it's going to plummet into the 30's and later in the week it's going to be in the 20's. No wonder I feel like crap. What the fuck, Mother Nature?
And one more thing- I love that commercial for The Eric Andre Show on Adult Swim where a whole bunch of guys dressed alike (a character, I assume- I have never watched the show) are running up the street screaming and then one guy is running behind them with a microphone. I laugh every time I see it. I think there used to be an extended one where they were all beating the crap out of someone at the end, but I don't see that one anymore. Or I imagined it.
The past 3 mornings I have woken up feeling warm. This morning was the worst. And when I finally got out of bed several hours later, I exercised as usual and I was pretty sweaty. Stayed feeling kind of warm, yet chilled for a few hours. And then I felt really chilled the rest of the day. I wish I could explain the feeling warm yet chilled feeling. It's really difficult to explain, though, except to look at this way- when you're hot, you might take layers off or put a fan on or go outside into the cold weather. But I don't want to do that, because I am feeling chilled at the same. Ugh, that's still not a good way to explain it. All I know is I feel like my body temperature regulation is completely out of whack and can't seem to keep me comfortable.
Earlier I decided to take a look down below at things (why, I don't know) and it was that dark red almost purplish color on the inner part and really white on the outer part. I don't understand why in the second half of my cycle, my vaginal area does that. It's really scary looking. It's something I definitely have to remember to bring up when I go to the doctor.
I don't know if it's the start of PMS or what, but I have been one nasty bitch for the past couple of days. I came home on Friday with such a stick up my ass and was snapping out on everyone and I don't even know why. I was kind of cranky yesterday, but was more emotional than anything. I have been in a pissy mood all day today. And very depressed. Maybe it's all due the fact that I haven't been sleeping well because I dread going to bed that I am going to wake up feeling warm or worse, having an actual full-blown night sweat episode where I wake up drenched in sweat.
Ugh I am not looking forward to going back to work tomorrow. Back to a full week of work. No more holidays until May. It's going to be brutal.
And everything is so damn dark and depressing. Our lights are off, most of the houses on my street have their lights off and/or decorations down. I can't stand it. It's rained the whole weekend. Today was above 60 degrees and then tomorrow it's going to plummet into the 30's and later in the week it's going to be in the 20's. No wonder I feel like crap. What the fuck, Mother Nature?
And one more thing- I love that commercial for The Eric Andre Show on Adult Swim where a whole bunch of guys dressed alike (a character, I assume- I have never watched the show) are running up the street screaming and then one guy is running behind them with a microphone. I laugh every time I see it. I think there used to be an extended one where they were all beating the crap out of someone at the end, but I don't see that one anymore. Or I imagined it.
God I Hate Commercials (And Big Pharma)
TV Land must have some kind of sweet deal with Lyrica and Humira, because I swear they play commercials for them EVERY DAMN COMMERCIAL BREAK. Especially Lyrica. Guess Pfizer really wants to push those fibromyalgia diagnoses.
And speaking of Lyrica reminded me of something that happened in work a few weeks ago. My boss emailed us asking us if we include all medications in our reports or just ones that pertain to orthopedics and neurology. I wrote back that I include all and the reason I do so is because so many medications have side effects that can affect the bones or nervous system and also because so many medications have off the box usage, like Cymbalta being an anti-depressant and is also used for pain. And of course, my FWA has to chime in as well and say that Lyrica and Celebrex are anti-depressants and are used for pain as well. I can't tell you how much I wanted to hit "Reply All" and say that neither are anti-depressants. Celebrex is an NSAID, Lyrica is an anti-epileptic. But I wouldn't put it past doctors to use them as anti-depressants.
Also, if I see that Progresso soup commercial with the girl in her ugly bridal party dress one more time I am going to scream. Every time the Progresso person says "don't you love the dress?" and she says "I love my sister", I want to kick something.
And speaking of Lyrica reminded me of something that happened in work a few weeks ago. My boss emailed us asking us if we include all medications in our reports or just ones that pertain to orthopedics and neurology. I wrote back that I include all and the reason I do so is because so many medications have side effects that can affect the bones or nervous system and also because so many medications have off the box usage, like Cymbalta being an anti-depressant and is also used for pain. And of course, my FWA has to chime in as well and say that Lyrica and Celebrex are anti-depressants and are used for pain as well. I can't tell you how much I wanted to hit "Reply All" and say that neither are anti-depressants. Celebrex is an NSAID, Lyrica is an anti-epileptic. But I wouldn't put it past doctors to use them as anti-depressants.
Also, if I see that Progresso soup commercial with the girl in her ugly bridal party dress one more time I am going to scream. Every time the Progresso person says "don't you love the dress?" and she says "I love my sister", I want to kick something.
Saturday, January 3, 2015
Random Thoughts
I was on that one Tartlr page last week and someone had asked the girl to post pictures of Andrew and his ex and a minor storm brewed between the girl, who loves Andrews's ex so much it's creepy, and some anonymous person who apparently dislikes her. It was embarrassing. These people who are obsessed with them are creepy, whether they dislike her or love her.
After I ate lunch earlier, I got back on the computer and my local news had posted a story that a white John Doe was found in the Schuylkill River and as soon as I saw it, I thought I bet it is Shane Montgomery. Not even 5 minutes later, another story popped up that it was him. I very rarely cry at news stories, but I did when I seen that. How sad. Obviously at this point the chances of finding him alive were super slim, but still. His poor parents. And like my sister asked, it is worse that they found him after the holidays or would it have been worse before?
And those poor people on the Air Asia flight. And their poor families. And even worse for the families of the Malaysian Flight 370, because they have still yet to find that.
And going to annoying people, my FWA posted of Facebook earlier that her brat has a cold and Mommy isn't happy! Get used to it, honey- kids are germ magnets and catch shit all of the time! And she really better get used to it if her brat is anything like her and "catches" everything, although I fully doubt she ever catches anything. But we all know she'll use her daughter being sick as an excuse to get out of work as much as possible. Her time off accrual was up one day- she went into the new year at almost -37 hours of paid time off and almost -220 hours of unpaid time off. Two hundred and twenty hours of unpaid time off! She's has to be making well over $14 an hour at this point, so if you figure she makes about $14.50, do some math, and that's over $3,100 a year before taxes that she is not getting paid. And then she has the balls to stand there and whine about never having money? Try working more, you stupid cow! Although I wouldn't put it past her to keep her pay at a certain amount so she can continue getting WIC.
She just posted this on Facebook about 10 minutes ago:
Oh, grow the fuck up.
After I ate lunch earlier, I got back on the computer and my local news had posted a story that a white John Doe was found in the Schuylkill River and as soon as I saw it, I thought I bet it is Shane Montgomery. Not even 5 minutes later, another story popped up that it was him. I very rarely cry at news stories, but I did when I seen that. How sad. Obviously at this point the chances of finding him alive were super slim, but still. His poor parents. And like my sister asked, it is worse that they found him after the holidays or would it have been worse before?
And those poor people on the Air Asia flight. And their poor families. And even worse for the families of the Malaysian Flight 370, because they have still yet to find that.
And going to annoying people, my FWA posted of Facebook earlier that her brat has a cold and Mommy isn't happy! Get used to it, honey- kids are germ magnets and catch shit all of the time! And she really better get used to it if her brat is anything like her and "catches" everything, although I fully doubt she ever catches anything. But we all know she'll use her daughter being sick as an excuse to get out of work as much as possible. Her time off accrual was up one day- she went into the new year at almost -37 hours of paid time off and almost -220 hours of unpaid time off. Two hundred and twenty hours of unpaid time off! She's has to be making well over $14 an hour at this point, so if you figure she makes about $14.50, do some math, and that's over $3,100 a year before taxes that she is not getting paid. And then she has the balls to stand there and whine about never having money? Try working more, you stupid cow! Although I wouldn't put it past her to keep her pay at a certain amount so she can continue getting WIC.
She just posted this on Facebook about 10 minutes ago:
Oh, grow the fuck up.
Thursday, January 1, 2015
Random Thoughts
Happy New Year to all! It was nice to have another day off and this time wasn't ruined by me waking up early feeling nauseous and warm, although I did wake up early to use the bathroom and for some reason, it occurred to me that although I did have it on the TV, I never actually saw the Times Square ball drop and I dwelled over it for a while (I swear, OCD is a fucking nightmare, but sometimes it just plain doesn't make sense). I'm sad to see the holiday season end, but before I know it, I'll be out in the stores and seeing Christmas stuff popping up again.
Plus, I am eager to go to that gynecological appointment at the end of the month. I just want an answer, although I am terrified it's going to be exactly what I fear it to be. It just seems like every time I turn around, I have a new symptom and when it's googled (I know, I know) it can be a symptom of menopause. At this point I am starting to think everything under the sun can be a menopause symptom. I've had this new thing lately where when I move my head certain ways, I feel like my hands and feet are buzzing, along with the head buzzing that I have been dealing with for 9 years since I went off of Effexor. I have no cervical problems, so I doubt very much it's that. I have also been having sensitivity with my hearing and loud noises give me the same buzzing feeling in my head just like when I turn it. And when I get off of my bike, I get this twitching feeling in my legs, mainly in the thighs, something I swore I used to only get right before I was due for my period, but now have nearly every time I exercise. But I am not supposed to be worried that there is something wrong with my hormones, right?
I can't believe it's been 9 years since I went off of Effexor. Which means January 13th will be 9 years since I was hospitalized. And I am no better than I was then. Worse, in fact. I definitely believe I am more of a train wreck than I was then. Just almost 60 pounds lighter.
A couple months ago, I sent a message to that girl I had been talking with who kind of just dropped off the face of the earth and was surprised to actually get a response from her. She was all apologetic that she hadn't kept in contact and asked me how things were and I wrote her back again and talked about some things and asked what was going on and how she was doing. Never got a response. A few weeks later, I sent her a message with some music suggestions (she had asked me before to recommended any good music, seeing as we had similar tastes). Never got a response. I think I am officially giving up keeping in contact with her.
I really miss talking to that guy Sam. I still would like to know whatever happened with him. I know he had health issues, so I am hoping he didn't die or something. Or there is always that sickening feeling that he was really a fraud and was mind fucking me. Which would be horrifying, because I told him things that my own family doesn't know about me. He knew about That Thing. And he did not judge me one bit for it (at least, not in email). To have someone not only not stop talking to me after telling something like that, but to not criticize me for it either meant a lot.
Ugh I don't feel like going back to work tomorrow, although at least it's Friday. But then Monday will roll around quickly and from this point on, there will be no days off until Memorial Day and it will be weeks upon weeks of work or until I decide to say fuck this and take a day off. No one will be out on maternity leave this year so I will feel more relaxed in taking time off. Last year I didn't take one day off the entire time my FWA was out on maternity leave because I felt so guilty in doing so and I was pretty burned out. I think that was one of the things that pissed me off the most about asking for 3 days off in August and not getting approved for it; I had not taken a day off since February. And the way my manager has been letting people take off together, it infuriates me even more that she left me hanging like she did. We just had 3 people off the day after Christmas, 2 of which do similar jobs. But I couldn't get immediately approved to have off the same time as someone who very rarely does my job. Go figure.
There was a gallery of would you rather pictures on the Berry last night and the first one was give up cheese or give up oral sex and I was astonished by the amount of people in the comments saying they don't what they would rather give up. I honestly never realized so many people were in to oral sex. I know I am an oddball, but I am truly and utterly repulsed at the thought of oral sex, whether giving or receiving (more so at receiving, I think; I am a fanatic about keeping down below clean and no matter how much I do so, I still always feel dirty so the idea of someone putting their mouth down there fucking grosses me out beyond belief). Surely I cannot be the only person on earth who feels that way, but I am starting to think that I am.
I was just on Yahoo Answers and there was some kid complaining because he is 14 years old and still a virgin. I....I don't even know where to begin with that.
Plus, I am eager to go to that gynecological appointment at the end of the month. I just want an answer, although I am terrified it's going to be exactly what I fear it to be. It just seems like every time I turn around, I have a new symptom and when it's googled (I know, I know) it can be a symptom of menopause. At this point I am starting to think everything under the sun can be a menopause symptom. I've had this new thing lately where when I move my head certain ways, I feel like my hands and feet are buzzing, along with the head buzzing that I have been dealing with for 9 years since I went off of Effexor. I have no cervical problems, so I doubt very much it's that. I have also been having sensitivity with my hearing and loud noises give me the same buzzing feeling in my head just like when I turn it. And when I get off of my bike, I get this twitching feeling in my legs, mainly in the thighs, something I swore I used to only get right before I was due for my period, but now have nearly every time I exercise. But I am not supposed to be worried that there is something wrong with my hormones, right?
I can't believe it's been 9 years since I went off of Effexor. Which means January 13th will be 9 years since I was hospitalized. And I am no better than I was then. Worse, in fact. I definitely believe I am more of a train wreck than I was then. Just almost 60 pounds lighter.
A couple months ago, I sent a message to that girl I had been talking with who kind of just dropped off the face of the earth and was surprised to actually get a response from her. She was all apologetic that she hadn't kept in contact and asked me how things were and I wrote her back again and talked about some things and asked what was going on and how she was doing. Never got a response. A few weeks later, I sent her a message with some music suggestions (she had asked me before to recommended any good music, seeing as we had similar tastes). Never got a response. I think I am officially giving up keeping in contact with her.
I really miss talking to that guy Sam. I still would like to know whatever happened with him. I know he had health issues, so I am hoping he didn't die or something. Or there is always that sickening feeling that he was really a fraud and was mind fucking me. Which would be horrifying, because I told him things that my own family doesn't know about me. He knew about That Thing. And he did not judge me one bit for it (at least, not in email). To have someone not only not stop talking to me after telling something like that, but to not criticize me for it either meant a lot.
Ugh I don't feel like going back to work tomorrow, although at least it's Friday. But then Monday will roll around quickly and from this point on, there will be no days off until Memorial Day and it will be weeks upon weeks of work or until I decide to say fuck this and take a day off. No one will be out on maternity leave this year so I will feel more relaxed in taking time off. Last year I didn't take one day off the entire time my FWA was out on maternity leave because I felt so guilty in doing so and I was pretty burned out. I think that was one of the things that pissed me off the most about asking for 3 days off in August and not getting approved for it; I had not taken a day off since February. And the way my manager has been letting people take off together, it infuriates me even more that she left me hanging like she did. We just had 3 people off the day after Christmas, 2 of which do similar jobs. But I couldn't get immediately approved to have off the same time as someone who very rarely does my job. Go figure.
There was a gallery of would you rather pictures on the Berry last night and the first one was give up cheese or give up oral sex and I was astonished by the amount of people in the comments saying they don't what they would rather give up. I honestly never realized so many people were in to oral sex. I know I am an oddball, but I am truly and utterly repulsed at the thought of oral sex, whether giving or receiving (more so at receiving, I think; I am a fanatic about keeping down below clean and no matter how much I do so, I still always feel dirty so the idea of someone putting their mouth down there fucking grosses me out beyond belief). Surely I cannot be the only person on earth who feels that way, but I am starting to think that I am.
I was just on Yahoo Answers and there was some kid complaining because he is 14 years old and still a virgin. I....I don't even know where to begin with that.
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