Random Thoughts

Ugh, day I don't even know what anymore of this lower left side and back cramping. It's starting to get to be really annoying. And whenever I try to Google it, all I come across are forums related to pregnancy. Obviously I am not pregnant, so I don't know what else it could be. Maybe a cyst? And I have been so anxious that my period is going to come on early.

I had a dream last night that someone offered me psychedelic drugs. I am not sure which ones. Maybe mushrooms? And I would not take them until I had my earphones and could listen to MGMT while stoned out of my mind. I think I woke up before that happened.

Ugh, still no shows coming to my area. Come on, boys! Please come here! I know they have to be all hipster about where they play, but I am sure there are plenty of places in the area they could play that aren't mainstream. What about the Academy of Music in Philly? I love that place. I have been there at least 3 times to see the Nutcracker, and once to see Handel's Messiah. And I just heard the Rascals are going to be playing there, and judging by the commercial of what their show would be like, if they can play there, then MGMT could certainly play there.

Also, where is news on that third album?

And going back to that whole thing with Abercrappie & Fitch....what is that dude's problem? Hell, I don't give a shit who his target audience is, because even if I was 80 pounds, I wouldn't wear that ugly overpriced shit. And frankly, I don't know why anyone else would. But who he is to say what is good-looking when he he looks like he fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down? Yuck. If he saw some of the people in my high school who wore A&F, he might be revolted. Then again, he probably thinks of himself as pretty damn good-looking, so....

And the funnier part is, I saw a lot of fat people wearing A&F as well. Still do. I don't know how they get into the clothes, but somehow they do. Then again, I see that with a lot of people, regardless of the clothing brand. I just said the other day I don't understand how when I go clothes shopping, there is never anything in my size or a little larger when there are so many fat people. Then I remember how most people wear their clothes today and it makes sense. Really, folks. What part of "just because you can get it on DOESN'T MEAN IT FITS" is so hard to comprehend?

Also, doesn't this dope realize the Durrrsey Shur people wear A&F? They're all ugly as shit (please try not to remind me of the whole Mike thing *vomits* I plead insanity). And speaking of them, will they just go away already? In the past week, I have seen an article on Vinny, an article of Snooki offering to help Chris Christie lose weight, and another article of her offering tips to Prince Harry for his trip to Seaside. Yes, because I am so sure her weight loss was really done through diet and exercise. Not. And offering parenting tips to all soon to be mom celebrities? Give me a break. Just because you shit out a kid from your STD polluted womb does not suddenly make you a parenting expert. God, go away already, you annoying little cockroach.

Speaking of weight loss, I was thinking earlier about how it's a shame I am not taller and thinner. Then I could be a model, and be paid to starve myself and be miserable. That is a fucking messed up way of thinking, but I am already starving myself and miserable. So why not be paid for it?

I hate my life. My God, I am 5'3 and weigh anywhere between 122 to 125 pounds, depending on the week. I am not even considered overweight, yet I think of myself as fat. Why can I not be happy with my body already? Why can I not look in the mirror and just fucking be happy with it for once? Why can't I just not care what some men prefer and not be depressed about it? I would like to say eh, fuck him, but I can't, because I want to know why I can't ever be good enough.

And speaking of stupid and annoying, why is when people post something about someone being sick or in surgery or something on Facebook- actually, why is it necessary to post that in the first place, but whatever; clearly I am missing something here- people always have to comment with "praying for you" or "praying for so and so". Like these people are really going to take the time out of their day to pray for the person? I'll believe it when I see it.

Or like how earlier, there were multiple tornado warnings in Texas, and everyone is all "prayers" and talking about God protecting the people. Um, looking at this from a religious point of view, isn't God technically creating this nasty weather? I mean, if I hear of a bad tornado outbreak, I follow the weather sites and the Weather Channel and I think good lord, may something keep those people safe. I remember back this past Christmas when a bad tornado outbreak was expected, including one watch rated a Particularly Dangerous Situation by the SPC. I followed it off and on throughout the day and I was sick over it, even though it wasn't affecting me. Seriously, could you imagine something like that happening on Christmas?

Wow. I am extra snippy tonight.

Quote Of The Day

I was reading an article earlier on that ugly asshole that heads Abercrappie & Fitch (more on that later, because if there is one thing I like to condemn, it's A&F), and I thought about it for a little bit, and eventually it lead to me thinking of this scene from Bender's Big Score (don't ask how I got the connection, because I don't know):

Bender: Take a barf buddy. Ok suicide booth, give me your best shot. Electrocution please, side order of poison. [taps foot] Helloooo? Kill me you stupid machine. ... What the ... local calls fifty cents? It's a street corner telephone parlor! Oh what kind of horrible suicide free time is this? Wait a minute, maybe this handy encyclopedia of humans will help me track Fry down.
[Bender scans the Fry page in the telephone book]
Bender: One of these Frys must be Fry. Look out Philip Fry, 'cause I got a little present for you.
Fat Man: My name is Phillip Fry. Where's my present?
Bender: Hang on a second Fry. I don't remember you being that ugly.
Fat Man: Oh no, I've always been this ugly.

The WTF Of The Day

'Pinterest stress' afflicts nearly half of moms, survey says

Pinterest stress? Are you fucking kidding me? That lady actually cried because she was so concerned about having a perfect family photo? Look, I know some- okay, most of my worries are strange and out there, but my worries aren't due to concern over impressing other people.

This is just stupid. Gee, how long before the brilliant world of psychiatry decides to add an internet related stress "disorder" to the DSM? I can totally see it happening. And Big Pharma will be working side by side and offering some whacked out new drug to combat said "disorder". Folks, this is why mental illness is never going to be taken seriously.

Random Thoughts

Friday night I did something that I will never forgive myself for. I am ashamed of myself. I am beside myself with guilt. As if I needed more suicidal ideation triggers. This one really added fuel to the fire. I can't with my personality anymore. I am beyond scared of why I have been behaving the way I have, why I have so much anger and rage in me.

I claimed my last unemployment check over two weeks ago. I am pretty sure I am not entitled to anymore extensions, but the state still sends a paper letting the recipient know whether they are receiving an extension or not. I have yet to receive my papers. And now I am worried that someone stole my papers. I had myself up for over an hour sick with worry over it.

I feel like I am about to lose my mind. Every time I turn around, I have something new to worry about. And every new worry is met with the same reaction- it's brushed off as nothing. I am so glad that my fears are so insignificant to everyone else. The point is, no matter how ridiculous they sound, they are still legitimate fears to me.

I often hear people talk how the idea of ECT is terrifying. While the idea of going under anesthesia and having my brain zapped freaks me out a little, if I was giving the chance to have it done, with a high possibility of it being successful, I would more than willingly have it done. I am almost willing to do anything to defeat these demons.....except take medication.

And speaking of worrying, Wednesday I had a little bit of blood in the bathroom. I almost had a heart attack. I was like oh no not this mid-cycle bleeding again. It only happened that one time, and a little light pink later on. But since then, I have been unbearably bloated, to the point of being about 125 to 126 pounds on the scale. I feel like I am going to explode. Constipated. Nauseous as hell. And having really bad cramping in my lower left side and across my back. I feel just like I did when I was on birth control, so I don't believe this is all intestinal-related. I am half-tempted to call my old boss and ask her if I could come in for an exam.

Anyway, happy Mother's Day to any mothers out there. My Facebook news feed has been relatively quiet today, although there are a few sanctimommy postings from certain people.

Good God People

25 Things That Will Make You Irrationally Angry

Hmmm, that's funny. Nothing in this post made me angry. If I saw some of the things in person, it might annoy me, but that's about it.

But I'll tell you what makes me irrationally angry - the references to OCD in the comments. For fuck's sakes people, do some goddamn research on OCD. And someone is not OCD. They have OCD. Say it out loud without the acronym and see how it stupid it sounds.

Video Of The Day

I honestly have no idea what I would do without the Music Choice Alternative station:

Bored Anal Retentive Bitch Problems

I keep somehow forgetting to bitch about this, despite it annoying me every day. My neighbor across the street's brat has started this new thing of bouncing a soccer ball for about 30 to 45 minutes at a time, several times a day. It is all I hear, no matter what room of the house I go into.Not to mention she tends to bounce it too hard and it will hit people's cars. I will lose my shit if I catch it hitting my car. And yes I am being a tad too picky, but uh, hello, it's a soccer ball. Soccer balls are meant to kick, not bounce. Go buy a fricking basketball.

Yesterday on the SPC's Facebook page, a picture was posted of the day 2 and day 3 thunderstorm outlook. And the day 3 outlook was a source of amusement in the comments. It has since disappeared. However, I did get a screenshot of it from the SPC website:

Also, last night I read through some old entries and here is my latest Windows desktop image. I still laugh at how two days later, his hair looked like this (LOL. Humidity). I want to weep every time I turn on my computer.

Random Thoughts

Lauryn Hill gets 3 months for failing to pay taxes

I don't understand celebrities who don't pay their taxes. However, let me get this straight- Lauryn doesn't pay her taxes like she is supposed to and has to serve three months in prison. But Lindsay Lohan does countless stupid shit, many of which put other's lives at risk, but never has to go to jail. My God, the legal system in this country can be really fucking stupid.

ONTD's favorite model lands another magazine cover.

Hahahahahahaha, I love reading through the comments of a Kate Upton post. All the criticizing of her body. Then hop over into another post related to weight and there is "OMG STOP WITH THE BODY SHAMING WAH". It just makes me laugh. Never change, ONTD. Never change.

And speaking of shaming, I'd like to find the person whose bright idea it was to start adding "shaming" to the end of things and punch them in the face. Every fucking site I go on anymore, it's always "stop with the [insert whatever]-shaming!". Everything is shaming nowadays. And bullying. No criticizing of anything. Especially of children. Heaven forbid. I hate being criticized with the passion of a gazillion fiery suns, but that doesn't stop people from doing it. I still get criticized a lot. And I do the same thing I have been doing for years- I get upset, I consider suicide, and then I dwell on it for years. I don't even know what I am talking about anymore.

Anytime a post is made anywhere on the internet regarding weight, you know damn well it is going to get ugly. And frankly every argument is annoying. People get annoyed with the whole "real women have curves" and the description of curvy. Clearly women do come in all shapes and sizes and I do agree that naturally thin women should not be discounted as less than real. And a lot of women who use the term curvy to describe themselves clearly do not understand the word "curvy". And when it comes to the world of modeling and fashion, I tend to see a lot of the "body-shaming" shit come from naturally thin women. But I have always been under the assumption that people condemn modeling and the fashion world because these young women are starving themselves and risking their health to be thin. It's an entirely different playing field.

With all of the years I have spent on the internet, I should know by now to just stay out of any threads that involve weight, race, politics, mental illness, and suicide, because ultimately, I leave wanting to punch people in the face. Oh, and threads involving abortion. Can't forget abortion!

I have never needed a time more than lately of needing someone to talk to. I feel like I am about to lose my mind. My anxiety is getting completely out of control. I was laying in this bed this morning thinking about when I finally find a job. And then I started thinking about when winter comes, and if bad snowstorms comes, and how freaked out I get driving in the snow. And I started to get really agitated. I have horrible nasty visions of bad things happening.

And the guilt! Oh for the love of God, the guilt! I feel guilty about EVERYTHING. If I am going out with my sister, I feel guilty that I am leaving my mother home. Yes! At 29 years old! I feel guilty about pretty much 98% of my past. I am absolutely terrified to make any decisions for fear something bad will happen and then I will feel guilty for making that decision. For example- if I am out, and somebody asks me if I have anywhere to go, I am terrified that I will say yes and something happens, and then I will regret saying yes and blame myself for whatever happened. But then I start to wonder, well, what if I say no, and something happens on the way home? Then I will regret not saying yes. And I go back and forth about which would be the best decision to make, and since I can't figure out the answer, I get really anxious and upset and break down in tears. This is the kind of ridiculous bullshit I deal with ALL DAY, DAY IN, DAY OUT. And probably the reason why I am completely incapable of making decisions. I am so sick of it. 

Argh

My car still isn't fixed. The airbag hasn't come in yet, but it's expected to come in tomorrow, so hopefully my car will be home by then. However, I just read this article:

Airbag Recalls Doubled Compared With Last Year, On Track For Record Year

Flying metal parts from deploying airbags? I think I am going to throw up.

ETA 5:30PM: My car is home! Huzzah! And it actually cost me $1,515. Not much difference, but a little better than the original price. I also have the detailed list of stuff that needs fixing and if I had it done there, it would be over $2,500. LOL. My car is probably worth about that. I should go check out the value of it on Kelley Blue Book.

ETA: Price is as follows, depending on condition:
Excellent - $3,245
Very Good - $3,095
Good - $3,045
Fair - $2,545

Picture Of The Day

May 1st outlook from the SPC:

(don't judge me)