Random Thoughts

I don't know what is going on in my body right now, but it needs to stop. I want to scream because I want to get out of my head so bad. I am really, REALLY starting to worry what is causing this. Is it my hormones? Are they still just straightening themselves out after being on birth control for a lousy one month? I really wish I knew if this was PMS, because then at least I know it will go away as soon or not long after my period starts. My head is in a turmoil. My breasts hurt. I bumped the left one, the one that tends to always be more sore, yesterday and wanted to cry.

I am also having bladder issues and really hoping I don't have interstitial cystitis like my sister. I generally have some issues with my bladder feeling funny right before my period. It tends to feel like it spazzes every so often and (sorry if this is TMI) I feel like I am going to pee my pants. I haven't, knock on wood, but I am always overly anxious that I will. But I haven't felt it bad like this, although the last time I had my period, I was drinking about 32 more ounces of water than I drink now, so maybe it was masking the problem some. I just have a lot of pressure and it doesn't go away until I pee, and no sooner after I go, it starts up again until I have to pee again. But there is no burning or anything. Just minor annoying discomfort.

But the worst of it is whatever is going on with my emotions. I had another day yesterday of just crying and crying and crying and wishing I was dead and all those joyful glorious thoughts. And boy was I sensitive. It was my sister's birthday yesterday and I went on her Facebook page and when I saw some of the people who wished her happy birthday I was really upset. So many family friends and relatives that all ignore my birthday. And yeah, I know I am probably being catty, but it really upset me. I already feel worthless enough and none of these people can even acknowledge my birthday? It always makes me laugh when people ask me if I get ripped off having a birthday near Christmas. In a way, yes, but not with gifts. People tend to forget or ignore my birthday. Which sucks, because just like I did not choose to be born last, I had no choice in when I was born and I think it's unfair that I have to suffer for it.

I guarantee my aunt (dad's sister) will completely ignore my 30th birthday this year, even though I know damn well she didn't forget my sister's. She somehow forgot my 21st birthday as well. And if she does, I'd like to tell her to go fuck herself. I'd never admit to anyone out loud, but I don't care for my aunt anyway. She always seem so fucking phony. I always liked my other paternal aunt a lot more. She seemed more caring and genuine.

Hell, I even had to suffer for it when I was fucking born. My mom's usual doctor wasn't on call, so he didn't deliver me. Instead some bitch did who got pissed that she had to come in right at the holidays. Uh, honey, you chose to be a OB doctor. Not to mention she didn't even celebrate Christmas! No hospital pictures were taken.....because it was the holidays. What the hell?

I want these miserable feelings to go away. Most importantly, I want to know why they are there. What if it is something is off in my body that needs to be treated? I still would not doubt for a second I have some kind of vitamin deficiency. And it worries me that if there is one, if it doesn't get treated things could get bad. If it's magnesium (which seems like one of the most likely, considering the symptoms and the fact that I very rarely eat anything that has magnesium in it, in addition to a large intake of soda, which is bad for magnesium), it could really mess with my body. I could just go to the doctor and ask for a vitamin test, but I would hate to have one done and nothing be wrong. But if it is, it needs to be addressed, or I'll be in trouble, particularly if something really bad happens and I end up with massive medical bills, as opposed to a smaller bill for a diagnostic test. Not having medical is really frustrating.

And speaking of not having medical, I just found out that my cousin who had a baby is just as I predicted- on welfare. Now this is where I get pissed with liberals who claim people don't abuse welfare. She definitely is. The little fucking whore deliberately gets herself knocked up, has no job, baby daddy has no job, neither make an effort to go to work, and she gets welfare and Medicaid. All of this while still living with her mother. She gets everything paid for for doing something out of spite. I think of all of the people who could desperately use that Medicaid and I want to punch something. I think of my witchy old racist neighbor next door who complains about the Democrats taking shit away from her.....all while on Medicaid. Please. We all know what your problem is. You hate the president because he is half black and you hate black people. Sit your ass down, bitch.

ETA 2/14: My period finally came! And why not make it even more wonderful by giving me the gift of cramps from hell?? Happy Valentine's Day to me! And if you think a forever aloner hates Valentine's Day, imagine a forever aloner with the cramps from hell and raging hormones. Everyone's Facebook posts are making me want to puke my face off!

Video Of The Day

"King and Lionheart" by Of Monsters and Men:



Off topic, but if I don't get Popeye's soon, I am going to go postal.

Stahp Brain

I don't know if my period is finally planning on coming very shortly or what. I wish it would. I have never wanted to see that nasty miserable thing so bad in my life as I do right now. One, because I just do, to ease some of the anxiety up that I am never going to see my period again. Two, I feel awful. I had a bout of insomnia on Friday night similar to New Years Eve. I woke up at 5 and didn't fall back asleep until 8. I started to get so frustrated and upset that I started crying and no matter how hard I tried, I could not stop. My head would not stop. I got myself all upset on Friday night worrying that maybe I am having early menopause and if I am, why am I having it and oh look here comes my good old pal the Addison's disease fear.

I started crying several times yesterday and today and couldn't stop, one point I started having a panic attack. I am so emotional I want to scream. I wanted to cry watching Too Cute last night. My lower left side is cramping and I can't tell if it's woman related or intestinal related. My breasts are so sore. My bladder feels irritated. I feel irritable. I don't even feel like I am me. I was sitting on my bed earlier and I thought, my God, I don't even real. I feel like I am not even me, like I am a completely different person. Is this what it feels like to lose your mind? Because that is what I certainly feel like is happening to me. And I am having the horrifying feeling of wishing I would get the guts to commit suicide. I have never felt so scared of why I feel so bad as I do right now.

And it should come as no surprise my mother and I got into an argument earlier. She got angry with me earlier for not answering her when I was in the midst of having the equivalent of Niagara Falls pouring down my face because she was and I quote "trying to get dinner on the table". After trying to cool down a little from getting more upset at her getting angry with me, I went out to eat dinner. She was banging stuff around in her typical hissy fit way and I started getting more and more tense until I finally screamed "will you please stop banging stuff around?!". She tried to give me bullshit that she wasn't banging anything around. Yeah. Nice try Mom. Then it turned into a fight, part of which she insisted that she told me to not go on birth control. I can't say I recall that.

I regret ever going on birth control. I really do. I mean, clearly I had issues before I went on it. But I feel a hell of a lot worse since before I ever took it. And if all of these symptoms I am having are PMS, then I have a bad feeling that the impending period is going to be the period from hell.

And because I seem to enjoy torturing myself, I have been listening to this on repeat and I don't know what it is about this particular performance that turns the waterworks on, but tears.....so many tears. I am a snotty, red-faced, swollen-eyed mess.

Piss Off Music

With the Grammy's coming up on Sunday, I revisited the list on Wikipedia of awards and nominations MGMT has received (yes, I checked the references to make sure they were legit) and they had two nominations in 2010. Neither nomination won. They did win for something in 2009- a remixed version of "Electric Feel". Really? All of their amazing songs and the one that does win something is not even the original version and some dude who fucked with their music is the one who solely wins? I don't care if he was the one who remixed it; he was not the one who put his time, heart, blood, sweat, tears, etc into writing the lyrics and music of it. And looking through the list again, they have had a total of 13 nominations (doesn't seem to include that Grammy win) and only won 4 awards, all at the NME Awards. Unbelievable. That grinds my gears.

Maybe I am a little too picky with my music, but I can't stand when people remix music. As well as sample, even if they do credit the artist they are sampling from. Sampling really grinds my gears. Write your own damn music or if you can't do that, then sing/play something someone else wrote for you. I keep hearing this POS song that stole parts of "Piano in the Dark" by Brenda Russell and I want to chew nails whenever I hear it. Fucking music today. I can't even bring myself to look at the nomination list, because I'll probably projectile vomit.

ETA 7:09PM: I decided to take a look at the list and.....Black Keys are good.....ugh at "We Are Young" (I did like it, before all of the radio stations started playing it constantly)....Taylor Swift blech...."Call Me Maybe"- are you fucking kidding me?.....ugh at the Lumineers, another good one until all of the radio stations killed it.....Rihanna vomit...."Shake It Out" by Florence is good....."Sexy and I Know It" and "Payphone"-  someone is clearly deaf.....Coldplay is rock?....Muse- meh....damn when did SWV come back? I loved "Weak" and "Love Will Be Right Here" back in the day....nice to see Tamia on the list; I only know one song by her but she is talented.....I can't with the entire rap section ....country I am pretty neutral towards, except for Taylor Swift.....and the rest I just don't even know anything about

Also, now that I think about it, wasn't it the NME awards where Andrew showed up looking like a homeless person? And they probably won that year. I have to find that post again.

ETA 2/11: For the love of God, Andrew. Although....here is another picture of him from said award show and yes, he looks dirty as hell, but I would. I still so would.There was another picture of him from another NME awards show and like all these women are all over him and I felt really bad for him. He looked really uncomfortable. I know it comes with the territory, but people need to stop being such animals around celebrities. If I met him, would I love to run up and give him a huge hug? Yes. But I wouldn't. I would just stand there trying to contain myself from going absolute tween fangirl on him and hope that he doesn't hear my uterus banging on the wall of my abdomen while yelling "yo man put a baby in me!".

LOLWUT Part 2

Relationship Runway Rant

I don't know what's funnier- this Blind Item or the picture of Harry. He looks like, KILL ME.

The Bitch, Please Of The Day

Beyonce's Publicist Wishes These Hot Pictures Didn't Exist 

LOL seriously? I am sure every single celebrity and/or entertainer has at least one unflattering picture of themselves. After all, despite the high levels of flawlessness, this exists. Oh, who am I kidding? Still flawless. Get over yourself, Bouncy.

Random Thoughts

Wow. I am turning into a bonehead of the highest order. Yesterday I was on the MGMT Twitter page that was linked from IMDB a long time ago and after viewing a picture, I clicked on the link at the bottom and it took me to a completely different page. I thought uh oh, looks like someone was one of the 250K hacked. So I start freaking out and ran all of my antivirus and badware scans. Everything came up clean. Then today I realize that the page I normally go to is twitter.com/mgmtforum. The picture was retweeted from twitter.com/whoisMGMT and that was the link at the bottom of the page. Man, I am such an idiot sometimes.

There is a link on both Twitter pages to the same picture posted on ONTD of that squee little kitten. Except it stretches almost to the top and bottom of my monitor, making it a hundred times more squee. Leave it to Andrew to own something so damn cute.

So we got some not so good news within my family last week. And now my father has another advantage in getting disability. Great. I still don't agree with him applying for it, even with this. He is retired! And clearly never going back to work! There is no reason for him to get disability! And the fact that he has said multiple times he is applying for it to get more money infuriates me.

I always want to laugh when he complains to me that his doctor is too cautious and likes to order too many tests. First off, boohoo. You have medical to pay for all of the tests. I don't want to hear it. But mostly I want to laugh because let's be real- if his doctor didn't order a test and missed something, my father would be the first one to curse him, call him an idiot, yell that he has no idea what he is doing, etc. And then probably hire a lawyer to sue.

I started those new probiotics on Sunday night. Not sure if they are causing me more bloating or just the three days of bad restaurant food sitting in my lower intestines is. I do expect bloating, since they are 10 times more powerful than my last batch of probiotics. Not to mention there is another strain in them. The very first time I took probiotics, I had that whole Herx reaction. It was a miserable ordeal. Bloating like crazy, gas, a mouth full of sores, etc. But it did subside and I started to feel much better than I did before I started taking them. But whether these pills really are causing the bloating or not, I am not sure. I am tired of dealing with this crap. I could kick myself in the ass for not even going through with that colonoscopy, although my insurance was trying to play the preexisting condition game with me, so they may have not even paid for it. But there is not something right in my lower abdomen. Either it is something female related, like ovarian cysts, or there is something seriously wrong with my intestines. These stomach ailments have been going on long to make me think something wasn't built right.

I have also had a nightmarish case of heartburn.

I was on Facebook yesterday and a friend of my sister's had a picture of her little boy walking around a store and some mombie in the comments starts going on about "creepers". I love this new generation of parents that just thinks everyone is out to kidnap their kids. Mostly because they are the sames one who throw passive aggressive fits on Facebook that their precious little Madysin Soozie or Braedyn smiled and waved at someone in a store today and that big old meanie broke their spirits by ignoring them. God, parents today get on my nerves with the whole my child is such a special wittle snowflake bullshit. They are not! And everything they do is just OMGZ so special and shows what a little Einstein they have on their hands. One day one of the girls I used to work with posted a status on Facebook that her daughter could say her name and point to herself and everyone was flooding with "omg she is such a little genius!" comments. Seriously? Next thing you know, taking a shit will be something to brag about. Oh. Wait....

And enough with the whole everyone is a winner no one can fail mentality.

Now I don't deny that the development of a baby is astonishing, how so much complex stuff comes together in less than a year to form a functioning human being, although how something so huge comes out of a teeny tiny vagina is more of a miracle to me than anything. But having babies isn't special. Millions of women do it. Animals do it. Bugs do it. Birds do it. Fish do it.

But aside from my grouchiness, I still cannot wait to see my niece or nephew. Soon. Very soon.

Random Thoughs

It's Puppy Bowl time! Huzzah! The amount of squee is already ridiculously high. And this year there are finally two puppies with schnauzer in them!

So I finally got to go to dinner on Friday for my birthday with my aunt. It makes no sense how she was off for 5 days last week, but we end up going on Friday, when she is back to work. Whatever. I am beyond sick and tired of even trying to understand her logic of thinking. It ended up just being my aunt, my sister, and me. I was kind of hoping more people would have went. My mother decided not to go, which I was a little pissed off at her for. My aunt never specified when she said about taking me to dinner whether it was just supposed to be the two of us or whoever wanted to go. She asked me who was going and I told her REPEATEDLY whoever wanted to. She never said anything to any of her friends, who are pretty much like aunts to me. And while I don't care that she went, but my sister just kind of invited herself to go.

And so with my sister going, almost the entire night involved talking about her pregnancy and kids. I am sorry that I am sounding like such a narcissistic twat, but come on! We are out for my birthday! There are a million other more exciting things to discuss than my sister's pregnancy and children! I don't like most children! I don't want to discuss them!

My sister is turning into one of those high-maintenance pregnant women. All she does is complain that nobody watches out for the pregnant girl when we are out. First off, when she is wearing her coat, which is generally all the time, you can hardly tell she is pregnant. She complained on Friday when she went to go sit down in the waiting area and this woman and her daughter grabbed part of the bench before she got over there. My sister had a heavy coat and a scarf on. You could not even tell she was pregnant.

And speaking of waiting areas, why do restaurants that have high traffic never have huge waiting areas? Longhorn, the Cheesecake Factory (which is where I chose to go), etc. Their waiting areas are tiny. And I still will never understand what the big freaking deal is with the Cheesecake Factory, aside from their cheesecake. Their food is good, but it's not that great. We got there after 7PM and still had almost an hour wait. With as much traffic that place gets, they need to build them in a fucking factory! When we had the Spaghetti Warehouse in Philly (RIP), it was in an enormous old building. That's what they need to put the Cheesecake Factory in.

I'm also pissed because they took the Oreo cheesecake off of the menu.

And speaking of RIP....Barney Bush died! I was full of sads when I read that on Friday.

Well it has been 3 weeks since I quit birth control. My digestive system feels so much better. I mean, I have suspected IBS-C, so I still have um, shitty feeling days, but I feel nowhere near as bad as I did on birth control. And the scale is finally back to where it should be. Today I am not feeling too hot after eating Olive Garden on Wednesday, Cheesecake Factory on Friday, and the local diner yesterday and as usual, I'd feel so much better if I could just go to the damn bathroom, but that clearly is not happening. I am finally trying a new stronger pro-biotic and I start tonight. I am a little nervous if it will make me feel bloated until I adjust to the new formula. I have been taking 2 billion of acidophilus. The new pro-biotics are 20 billion of mixed bacterial strains.

But still no period. And it's bugging the shit out of me. And not helping to stop the slowly growing anxiety that all of this is perimenopause. Have I ever mentioned how much I hate my brain?

Quote Of The Day

From some model I have never heard of, Cameron Russell; the comment made me want to simultaneously LOL and shake my damn head:

Because I have to think about what I look like every day. If you ever are wondering, 'If I have thinner thighs and shinier hair, will I be happier?' you just need to meet a group of models, because they have the thinnest thighs and the shiniest hair and the coolest clothes, and they're the most physically insecure women on the planet.

Well.....I don't have the thinnest thighs, or the shiniest hair, or the coolest clothes, but damn if I am not one of the most physically insecure women on earth. Nice to know I'd probably get along very well with models, although I'd probably be the only one who actually has legitimate insecurities. I was in the bathroom earlier and I lifted up my bathrobe and was looking at my naked behindus and legs and fuck, if I don't have bad cellulite. Good god. It's kind of sad that no matter what I weigh, I will never be happy with my body. Sure I am happier with my body at 122 pounds than I was at *grits teeth* the 180 pounds I was in 2007. But I still hate it.

Yay!

Thirty years ago on this day, God said "I shall create a male child who will grow up to be the most beautiful man alive". Eleven years later, God said "I shall create a male child who will grow up to be the most adorable little prince alive".

Happy birthday, you flawless curly-headed specimens.