see more Monday Through Friday
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Random Thoughts
My blood work came back all in range. The momentary relief lasted all of one day. And then I was right back to where I started after reading something that gave me the impression that these normal ranges don't always rule Addison's out. And if I recall, my doctor even told me that if my blood work came back with normal ranges, it would pretty much rule out a diagnosis of it. But I was so distressed that day I don't even remember if he actually said that.
I don't know what I can do to convince myself that there is probably nothing wrong with me and this is all a product of the monster known as OCD. I don't want to run back to the doctor to ask for another test. But it's getting to the point of I don't know what else to do to get rid of this. I am mentally and physically exhausted from stressing myself out.
My anxiety levels have not been this bad since right before I was hospitalized. This was basically how I was acting when I thought I had MS. And I blamed Wellbutrin on that. What is my reasoning now? I am not on any psychiatric drugs! The little other difference is I am not suicidal this time around. I don't want to commit suicide or harm myself in any way nor do I have a plan. But the idea of dying by an outside force is a fucking dream right now.
This weekend has been a nightmare. I did go through periods where I did feel a little better (and oh shocker! many of the symptoms disappeared or lessened as soon as this happened). And then something, like feeling lightheaded or extremely fatigued or seeing a strange looking spot on the skin (I can't even tell you how much time I spend looking in the mirror examining my skin and mouth on a daily basis; it's sad, it really is) or feeling nauseous or looking at something salty and wanting to devour it, would set everything off again. And then I start wondering if the symptoms I am feeling are real or a product of the OCD and that only exacerbates my anxiety (and the symptoms I am feeling) because I start wondering if I am on the verge of losing my mind.
I want to actually sit and make a list of all the reasons I think I could have it and why I may not. Whether this will help at all, I don't know. Okay, so why do I think I would have it?
1) I have been craving salty foods just like I always do before IT comes. Not quite as bad, though. I mean, before IT, I am talking there are times I will actually drag my finger across the bottom of a bag of pretzels and lick the salt off my fingers.
2) my head and legs feel funny and my heart pounds when I stand up from sitting (it feels different from the times I have experienced orthostatic hypotension- antidepressant usage, spending too much time in the heat, right before IT comes)
3) digestive disturbances, going to the bathroom more than usual (gee, whoever would have thought a day would come when I would complain about using the bathroom?)
4) mood and psychiatric disturbances
5) decrease in blood pressure numbers when standing up
6) vertigo
7) cold sensitivity
8) leg cramps every so often and lately my legs have been feeling very heavy and tight, like they are about to spasm
Things that are on the fence:
1) areas of my skin look like hyperpigmentation to me. Whether they are the clinical pictures of Addison's, I don't know. My mother's and grandmother's skins look pretty similar, so that right there says to me that my skin is normal. But there are areas I wonder about. Old scars espcially get extra analysis. I have not seen anything that resembles this, though (you all do realize writing that last part is causing me excessive amounts of anxiety?)
2) digestive disturbances could be due to stress and anxiety, as well as whatever else I have (IBS, GERD, possible diverticulosis)
3) the lightheadness and vertigo continues when I sit down
4) the lightheadness and heart palpitations whenever I stand up could very well possibly be a product of anxiety, since I get anxious every time I have to stand up that I am going to feel what I usually do when I KNOW for a fact that I am actually experiencing orthostatic hypotension
5) I'm nuts anyway. I have a long history of being nuts. However, Medscape's "Diagnosis may be delayed because of comorbid depression or other psychiatric illness" does not help in any way.
Things that would make me think I do not:
1) no unexplained weight loss (I actually was up a couple pounds the last time I was on the scale)
2) my appetite has been fine, except for the times I am really stressed. Otherwise, I have been eating like a pig. I also am craving sweets. I'd like to eat an entire cake right now. Particularly the good-bye cake we had in work on Friday. OMFG was that good.
3) no loss of hair on the underarms or pubic area
4) normal CBC/metabolic panels (from what I know; I don't know my exact level readings yet)
5) no genetic predisposition or risk factors
6) no overwhelming fatigue (minus the after effects of crying hours on end)
7) no apparent weakness
8) blood pressure has been consistantly normal (and a little high at times)
9) the vertigo I experience sounds very much in line with BPPV
10) other symptoms I experience make me think a lot of these symptoms I am experiencing could be more of a cardiovascular or neurological nature. My feet turn kind of a bluish purple color whenever I am sitting. Now here is something I should probably have some concern over and yet I don't. Goes to show you just how good my priorities are, right?
Did that help? Not so much. A little, but at the same time not at all. Especially since I came home today and I felt really hot, so I took my temp and it was 98.8, which is high for me, and I immediately panicked, thinking oh god it's the start of an adrenal crisis.
I so badly keep trying to convince myself that this is probably a product of OCD, but I don't know for certain if it is. And until I know, or something comes over me to make me realize it is, I am not going to stop stressing over it. And to make matters worse, just like last time, I feel if I finally come to the conclusion that there is nothing wrong with me WITHOUT having some kind of physical evidence and I stop worrying, I am only jinxing myself.
Also in the grand tradition of things, I wish I had the tooth abscess fear instead.
I don't know what I can do to convince myself that there is probably nothing wrong with me and this is all a product of the monster known as OCD. I don't want to run back to the doctor to ask for another test. But it's getting to the point of I don't know what else to do to get rid of this. I am mentally and physically exhausted from stressing myself out.
My anxiety levels have not been this bad since right before I was hospitalized. This was basically how I was acting when I thought I had MS. And I blamed Wellbutrin on that. What is my reasoning now? I am not on any psychiatric drugs! The little other difference is I am not suicidal this time around. I don't want to commit suicide or harm myself in any way nor do I have a plan. But the idea of dying by an outside force is a fucking dream right now.
This weekend has been a nightmare. I did go through periods where I did feel a little better (and oh shocker! many of the symptoms disappeared or lessened as soon as this happened). And then something, like feeling lightheaded or extremely fatigued or seeing a strange looking spot on the skin (I can't even tell you how much time I spend looking in the mirror examining my skin and mouth on a daily basis; it's sad, it really is) or feeling nauseous or looking at something salty and wanting to devour it, would set everything off again. And then I start wondering if the symptoms I am feeling are real or a product of the OCD and that only exacerbates my anxiety (and the symptoms I am feeling) because I start wondering if I am on the verge of losing my mind.
I want to actually sit and make a list of all the reasons I think I could have it and why I may not. Whether this will help at all, I don't know. Okay, so why do I think I would have it?
1) I have been craving salty foods just like I always do before IT comes. Not quite as bad, though. I mean, before IT, I am talking there are times I will actually drag my finger across the bottom of a bag of pretzels and lick the salt off my fingers.
2) my head and legs feel funny and my heart pounds when I stand up from sitting (it feels different from the times I have experienced orthostatic hypotension- antidepressant usage, spending too much time in the heat, right before IT comes)
3) digestive disturbances, going to the bathroom more than usual (gee, whoever would have thought a day would come when I would complain about using the bathroom?)
4) mood and psychiatric disturbances
5) decrease in blood pressure numbers when standing up
6) vertigo
7) cold sensitivity
8) leg cramps every so often and lately my legs have been feeling very heavy and tight, like they are about to spasm
Things that are on the fence:
1) areas of my skin look like hyperpigmentation to me. Whether they are the clinical pictures of Addison's, I don't know. My mother's and grandmother's skins look pretty similar, so that right there says to me that my skin is normal. But there are areas I wonder about. Old scars espcially get extra analysis. I have not seen anything that resembles this, though (you all do realize writing that last part is causing me excessive amounts of anxiety?)
2) digestive disturbances could be due to stress and anxiety, as well as whatever else I have (IBS, GERD, possible diverticulosis)
3) the lightheadness and vertigo continues when I sit down
4) the lightheadness and heart palpitations whenever I stand up could very well possibly be a product of anxiety, since I get anxious every time I have to stand up that I am going to feel what I usually do when I KNOW for a fact that I am actually experiencing orthostatic hypotension
5) I'm nuts anyway. I have a long history of being nuts. However, Medscape's "Diagnosis may be delayed because of comorbid depression or other psychiatric illness" does not help in any way.
Things that would make me think I do not:
1) no unexplained weight loss (I actually was up a couple pounds the last time I was on the scale)
2) my appetite has been fine, except for the times I am really stressed. Otherwise, I have been eating like a pig. I also am craving sweets. I'd like to eat an entire cake right now. Particularly the good-bye cake we had in work on Friday. OMFG was that good.
3) no loss of hair on the underarms or pubic area
4) normal CBC/metabolic panels (from what I know; I don't know my exact level readings yet)
5) no genetic predisposition or risk factors
6) no overwhelming fatigue (minus the after effects of crying hours on end)
7) no apparent weakness
8) blood pressure has been consistantly normal (and a little high at times)
9) the vertigo I experience sounds very much in line with BPPV
10) other symptoms I experience make me think a lot of these symptoms I am experiencing could be more of a cardiovascular or neurological nature. My feet turn kind of a bluish purple color whenever I am sitting. Now here is something I should probably have some concern over and yet I don't. Goes to show you just how good my priorities are, right?
Did that help? Not so much. A little, but at the same time not at all. Especially since I came home today and I felt really hot, so I took my temp and it was 98.8, which is high for me, and I immediately panicked, thinking oh god it's the start of an adrenal crisis.
I so badly keep trying to convince myself that this is probably a product of OCD, but I don't know for certain if it is. And until I know, or something comes over me to make me realize it is, I am not going to stop stressing over it. And to make matters worse, just like last time, I feel if I finally come to the conclusion that there is nothing wrong with me WITHOUT having some kind of physical evidence and I stop worrying, I am only jinxing myself.
Also in the grand tradition of things, I wish I had the tooth abscess fear instead.
Video Of The Day
It's been the Lyrics Of The Day before, but what better time than now to make it VotD?
Silversun Pickups - Panic Switch - YouTube
Silversun Pickups - Panic Switch - YouTube
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Video Of The Day
Shhhhhhhh. Don't tell anyone. I really freaking like this song:
"Welcome to the Black Parade"
I always get emotional at this part. It's not that it makes me want to cry, but let's just say it's a good thing no one has ever caught me in work whenever it comes on 104.5 (which lately it keeps coming on after MGMT songs and all I can think of is this and I lol. I had to impose a limit on how long I am allowed to look at those pictures. Especially the 2nd one. *starts swaying* Oh god, stared too long. Must. Turn. Away. But. Cannot.). What? Don't make fun of me!
"Because one day I'll leave you
A phantom to lead you in the summer
To join the black parade"
"Welcome to the Black Parade"
I always get emotional at this part. It's not that it makes me want to cry, but let's just say it's a good thing no one has ever caught me in work whenever it comes on 104.5 (which lately it keeps coming on after MGMT songs and all I can think of is this and I lol. I had to impose a limit on how long I am allowed to look at those pictures. Especially the 2nd one. *starts swaying* Oh god, stared too long. Must. Turn. Away. But. Cannot.). What? Don't make fun of me!
"Because one day I'll leave you
A phantom to lead you in the summer
To join the black parade"
Friday, October 7, 2011
A Third Angry Letter To The American Media
Dear American Media:
Please, for the love of all that is holy, STOP USING THE TERM BABY BUMP! Ugh!
Sincerely,
S-Cubed
Please, for the love of all that is holy, STOP USING THE TERM BABY BUMP! Ugh!
Sincerely,
S-Cubed
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Random Thoughts
Here we go once again. This is what, the fifth time in a little over four months, that I have myself sick that I have something wrong with me. I don't even remember how I came across Addison's. The only thing I could think of when I was researching why I was craving salt. I don't really have that craving much anymore. In fact, the idea of it actually makes me nauseous right now. But I came across it, didn't think much of it, and then how the idea came back into my head is not something I can recall. Or what in the hell caused me Monday morning to pull out the medical book and look it up. Or why I felt better on Monday than I have in a long time, mildly worrying about it, only to wake up with a leg cramp on Tuesday morning and start the snowball effect.
What I do know since then is I have been in OCD hell. I am taking my blood pressure constantly, flipping out at the slightest signs of lightheadedness whenever I stand up, in the mirror constantly looking for signs of hyperpigmentation, flipping over the fact that my stomach is acting up. My stomach was on FIRE all day in work and just a complete mess and of course, I immediately associate that with Addison's. My extremely freckled shoulders are hyperpigmentation, despite the fact that my mother's look exactly the same. This morning, I checked my blood pressure and it was 122/71, then I decided to stand up and immediately take it again and it was lower, so I am flipping out over that. Any other time I have taken my blood pressure it's been in normal range, probably a little on the high side. Usually systolic is anywhere from 115 to 125. I went to the doctor yesterday and when he took my BP, he said my diastolic was a little high (it was 80, I think). One calf or the other hurts if I stand on my toes. The back of my right thigh feels like it wants to cramp.
And unless my blood work comes back normal, the sad thing is, there is really nothing that can convince me that there is nothing wrong with me. And it's affecting every single waking moment of my life. I am down to the nitty gritty with work and I could be accumulating mass amounts of overtime, but I am so physically and mentally exhausted from stressing over this, and my concentration level is just about alive because I am so focused on this, that I am not even working up to par. In fact, I probably have to make up time this week and I am trying to figure out how in the hell I am going to do it when all I want to do is be home and be in bed. I don't even know how I made it through today because I was in so such a terrible state of mind.
And that is the other thing that once again has to be asked- how much of what I am feeling is real and what is psychogenic? And unfortunately, I called today to find out if my results were in from my labwork (I knew they wouldn't be, but I have gotten them next day before), only to find out that not only was it not in yet, but I would probably have to wait until at least Friday or Monday. I was seriously close to losing it at that point. Damn the doctor for wanting a Lyme test. I even decided to be a pain in the ass and find out if there was any way to get the CBC/metabolic panels sooner, but apparently that is not possible. Those are the only two I want to know. I don't even know what in the hell else I got tested for, besides the usual CBC, metabolic, and then thyroid and Lyme. I know one time before my usual doctor ran blood work on me and he tested me for about a bazillion things. Including syphillis. I lol'd at that one.
I don't even want to get the bill for this one. I was counting on just getting CBC and metabolic, which would have been covered under my HRA account. TSH is about $100, so maybe some of that would have been covered. As for the Lyme test, I have no idea how much that cost and I am sure I am going to flip when I get the rest of the bill, since I still have to meet $500 of my deductible. You know, before I lose my insurance shortly. I just hope it isn't as bad as my last blood work panel that cost $855. The bulk of it was the Celiac test, at a whopping $535.
But anyway, I have no idea how I am going to not completely lose my mind waiting for the test results. And if they come back normal, or not showing anything serious (to me), then I am going to do something I really do not want to do- seriously contemplate going back on medicine. What medication, I have no idea. But the only thing that ever really had any effect with the OCD was 20 mg of Prozac (I was on 40 mg at one time, but for some reason that had no effect). And if I have to give it a try again, I guess I will. Because something has to give before a time comes where I might decide to do something a little more drastic.
What I do know since then is I have been in OCD hell. I am taking my blood pressure constantly, flipping out at the slightest signs of lightheadedness whenever I stand up, in the mirror constantly looking for signs of hyperpigmentation, flipping over the fact that my stomach is acting up. My stomach was on FIRE all day in work and just a complete mess and of course, I immediately associate that with Addison's. My extremely freckled shoulders are hyperpigmentation, despite the fact that my mother's look exactly the same. This morning, I checked my blood pressure and it was 122/71, then I decided to stand up and immediately take it again and it was lower, so I am flipping out over that. Any other time I have taken my blood pressure it's been in normal range, probably a little on the high side. Usually systolic is anywhere from 115 to 125. I went to the doctor yesterday and when he took my BP, he said my diastolic was a little high (it was 80, I think). One calf or the other hurts if I stand on my toes. The back of my right thigh feels like it wants to cramp.
And unless my blood work comes back normal, the sad thing is, there is really nothing that can convince me that there is nothing wrong with me. And it's affecting every single waking moment of my life. I am down to the nitty gritty with work and I could be accumulating mass amounts of overtime, but I am so physically and mentally exhausted from stressing over this, and my concentration level is just about alive because I am so focused on this, that I am not even working up to par. In fact, I probably have to make up time this week and I am trying to figure out how in the hell I am going to do it when all I want to do is be home and be in bed. I don't even know how I made it through today because I was in so such a terrible state of mind.
And that is the other thing that once again has to be asked- how much of what I am feeling is real and what is psychogenic? And unfortunately, I called today to find out if my results were in from my labwork (I knew they wouldn't be, but I have gotten them next day before), only to find out that not only was it not in yet, but I would probably have to wait until at least Friday or Monday. I was seriously close to losing it at that point. Damn the doctor for wanting a Lyme test. I even decided to be a pain in the ass and find out if there was any way to get the CBC/metabolic panels sooner, but apparently that is not possible. Those are the only two I want to know. I don't even know what in the hell else I got tested for, besides the usual CBC, metabolic, and then thyroid and Lyme. I know one time before my usual doctor ran blood work on me and he tested me for about a bazillion things. Including syphillis. I lol'd at that one.
I don't even want to get the bill for this one. I was counting on just getting CBC and metabolic, which would have been covered under my HRA account. TSH is about $100, so maybe some of that would have been covered. As for the Lyme test, I have no idea how much that cost and I am sure I am going to flip when I get the rest of the bill, since I still have to meet $500 of my deductible. You know, before I lose my insurance shortly. I just hope it isn't as bad as my last blood work panel that cost $855. The bulk of it was the Celiac test, at a whopping $535.
But anyway, I have no idea how I am going to not completely lose my mind waiting for the test results. And if they come back normal, or not showing anything serious (to me), then I am going to do something I really do not want to do- seriously contemplate going back on medicine. What medication, I have no idea. But the only thing that ever really had any effect with the OCD was 20 mg of Prozac (I was on 40 mg at one time, but for some reason that had no effect). And if I have to give it a try again, I guess I will. Because something has to give before a time comes where I might decide to do something a little more drastic.
Monday, October 3, 2011
Song Of The Day
I think the song is actually about a relationship, but something is always wrong. A few years ago, it was diabetes, then a retinal detachment, then MS. A few months ago, it was a general foot stress fracture, then it was a navicular stress fraction, then meningococcemia/septicemia (a fear that tends to be reoccuring), then a tooth abscess....now it's Addison's disease.
I really and truly don't know how much more I can take of this.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
An Angry Letter To Antenna TV
Dear Antenna TV:
WHERE WAS MY MARATHON OF THE THE THREE STOOGES LAST NIGHT? And why am I not seeing it listed on this upcoming Friday as well? Where are my weekend Stoogeathons, dammit?!
They're not on anymore, are they? ARE THEY?!!!!!!!!!!!! *falls on floor and starts to cry*
Sincerely,
S- Cubed
WHERE WAS MY MARATHON OF THE THE THREE STOOGES LAST NIGHT? And why am I not seeing it listed on this upcoming Friday as well? Where are my weekend Stoogeathons, dammit?!
They're not on anymore, are they? ARE THEY?!!!!!!!!!!!! *falls on floor and starts to cry*
Sincerely,
S- Cubed
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