Random Thoughts

Here we go once again. This is what, the fifth time in a little over four months, that I have myself sick that I have something wrong with me. I don't even remember how I came across Addison's. The only thing I could think of when I was researching why I was craving salt. I don't really have that craving much anymore. In fact, the idea of it actually makes me nauseous right now. But I came across it, didn't think much of it, and then how the idea came back into my head is not something I can recall. Or what in the hell caused me Monday morning to pull out the medical book and look it up. Or why I felt better on Monday than I have in a long time, mildly worrying about it, only to wake up with a leg cramp on Tuesday morning and start the snowball effect.

What I do know since then is I have been in OCD hell. I am taking my blood pressure constantly, flipping out at the slightest signs of lightheadedness whenever I stand up, in the mirror constantly looking for signs of hyperpigmentation, flipping over the fact that my stomach is acting up. My stomach was on FIRE all day in work and just a complete mess and of course, I immediately associate that with Addison's. My extremely freckled shoulders are hyperpigmentation, despite the fact that my mother's look exactly the same. This morning, I checked my blood pressure and it was 122/71, then I decided to stand up and immediately take it again and it was lower, so I am flipping out over that. Any other time I have taken my blood pressure it's been in normal range, probably a little on the high side. Usually systolic is anywhere from 115 to 125. I went to the doctor yesterday and when he took my BP, he said my diastolic was a little high (it was 80, I think). One calf or the other hurts if I stand on my toes. The back of my right thigh feels like it wants to cramp.

And unless my blood work comes back normal, the sad thing is, there is really nothing that can convince me that there is nothing wrong with me. And it's affecting every single waking moment of my life. I am down to the nitty gritty with work and I could be accumulating mass amounts of overtime, but I am so physically and mentally exhausted from stressing over this, and my concentration level is just about alive because I am so focused on this, that I am not even working up to par. In fact, I probably have to make up time this week and I am trying to figure out how in the hell I am going to do it when all I want to do is be home and be in bed. I don't even know how I made it through today because I was in so such a terrible state of mind.

And that is the other thing that once again has to be asked- how much of what I am feeling is real and what is psychogenic? And unfortunately, I called today to find out if my results were in from my labwork (I knew they wouldn't be, but I have gotten them next day before), only to find out that not only was it not in yet, but I would probably have to wait until at least Friday or Monday. I was seriously close to losing it at that point. Damn the doctor for wanting a Lyme test. I even decided to be a pain in the ass and find out if there was any way to get the CBC/metabolic panels sooner, but apparently that is not possible. Those are the only two I want to know. I don't even know what in the hell else I got tested for, besides the usual CBC, metabolic, and then thyroid and Lyme. I know one time before my usual doctor ran blood work on me and he tested me for about a bazillion things. Including syphillis. I lol'd at that one.

I don't even want to get the bill for this one. I was counting on just getting CBC and metabolic, which would have been covered under my HRA account. TSH is about $100, so maybe some of that would have been covered. As for the Lyme test, I have no idea how much that cost and I am sure I am going to flip when I get the rest of the bill, since I still have to meet $500 of my deductible. You know, before I lose my insurance shortly. I just hope it isn't as bad as my last blood work panel that cost $855. The bulk of it was the Celiac test, at a whopping $535.

But anyway, I have no idea how I am going to not completely lose my mind waiting for the test results. And if they come back normal, or not showing anything serious (to me), then I am going to do something I really do not want to do- seriously contemplate going back on medicine. What medication, I have no idea. But the only thing that ever really had any effect with the OCD was 20 mg of Prozac (I was on 40 mg at one time, but for some reason that had no effect). And if I have to give it a try again, I guess I will. Because something has to give before a time comes where I might decide to do something a little more drastic.