Random Thoughts

Well, New Years didn't end up being as bad as I expected. I was mostly just bored. And annoyed because I was so bored. We normally go to dinner and the movies on New Years Eve, but my sister had to work, so we had to go out on Friday night instead.

I had kind of a scary situation happen that morning. I woke up at 6AM as usual with scumbag brain and I happened to roll over on my side and in a split second, my throat was burning. I sat up and I couldn't stop coughing and I couldn't get rid of the burning for anything. I couldn't even lay on my back because it made it burn even more. I felt like a bottle of acid had been poured down my throat. It was horrible. Now I have seen this occur with my mother many, many times, but in all of the years I have had acid reflux, I have never had it happen to me.

And speaking of other medical problems, I have still yet to make an appointment with a psychiatrist my family doctor had recommended. I am just hesitant, mostly because I am worried that I am going to go and it's going to be like every other psychiatrist I have been to. Here's a prescription, adios, in and out in 10 seconds. ALTHOUGH....I am out of pocket, so there is probably no chance the doctor will get a bigger insurance reimbursement by keeping me in there in a shorter amount of time. There is no one to reimburse him! And if I am feeling particularly hostile at the time, I may just look scream "look jerk! I am paying you for this visit, so you are going to sit and listen to every fucking thing that is on my mind right now! And tell your secretary to clear your schedule for at least the next month, cause we're gonna be here a LOOOOOONG time, baby!"

And I am also right back to square one of not wanting to take psych meds again.

But something has got to give soon. I am getting tired of feeling so shitty and not being suicidal (although Sunday I was thinking about how wonderful it would be to come up with a plan), but having no desire to be alive anymore. I am tired of feeling so miserable every time my period is about to come on and it's still not here even though it came the 17th last month and it's making me really irritable and snapping at everything in sight and the longer it doesn't come, the worse my nastiness gets. If you ever seen the episode of American Dad where Steve starts puberty and they show flashbacks of Haley going through puberty....well, that's basically what it's like when I have PMS, except my parents aren't in the corner holding forks, staplers, and torches out at me, and I am not screaming about tampons and the size of my boobs and throwing aliens (who like Pecan Sandies and getting high with "Electric Feel" playing) out the window and then torching the entire living room. I would like to do the last one at times, though.

And by it not coming, it's also reeling in the good old Addison's fear again, since absent menstrual periods are a sign. I am still analyzing every inch of my skin and I keep finding spots that I can't recall if they were there before and....ugh I am just tired of it!

I am also so sick of disliking my appearence. Actually, dislike is a HUGE understatement. I loathe my appearence. And when I have to look in the mirror because of this stupid obsession with Addison's, it's like fucking torture because I hate looking at myself so much. I cannot find one redeemable physical quality about myself and every time people go on about how "pretty" I am, I want to go on a rampage. I am vain, I am not going to lie. And I hate how vain I am. I really do. When asked in a survey, I am always the odd ball that immediately blurts out "blind", as in would I rather be blind or deaf, because I freaking hate looking at myself that much. But then again a small part of choosing it over deafness has to do with my obsession with music, which probably borders on a very unhealthy level. But the idea of never being able to hear music again is incomprehensible. I would commit suicide if I could never hear music again, because honestly, right now, it's about the only thing getting me through every day.

I also have one of the very worst traits in human nature- jealousy. I do not like admitting it to people, because I am so ashamed of it. But I am a very jealous person. And it's bad enough I have that trait, but then the things I get jealous over are so fucking ridiculous! Jealous over things that probably most of society would never even think of to get jealous over!

I am also starting to get really depressed again about being single. I know it bothered me a lot last year, and then I went through quite a few months of being okay with it again, but it's back again. And seeing all the Valentine's Day is just cranking up my crankiness even more. I hate being alone. I guess it wouldn't bother me so much if I could actually say I have relationships before. But I haven't. And while I don't think it would be good for me to be in one, there is also a small part of me that believes if I found someone good, it might do a world of wonders for me. I mean, certainly I have to be the one to change myself, but I don't think having someone there to help me would hurt. But that is probably just a dream. Who would be able to deal with me?

Earlier I was feeling kind of frustrated so I figured what the hell. And after the first orgasm, I burst into tears, then started laughing, then started crying again, and then started laughing again. It was incredibly bizarre. It was like watching Selma go through menopause on The Simpsons. I don't know what exactly made me start crying. I think it was a mixture of loneliness, the face that came into my head right at that moment, and hormones.