Saturday, March 14, 2020
*Screams Internally*
In all of the years of having OCD, I never imagined mine would go down the path of fear of germs and contamination. But here I am, on the brink of losing my mind completely. No matter how much hand washing, sanitizing, Lysoling, Chlorox wiping, etc, it's never enough. Everywhere I look, all I can wonder is how many germs are on that service, is Covid-19 on there, was it on something I touched, was someone I was in close contact with infected with it? I can't stand it. I'm about to lose my fucking mind.
Tuesday, March 10, 2020
Random Thoughts
So (knock on wood) my stomach has been feeling much better. No more burning hunger feeling, no early satiety, etc. And not that I am complaining, but....why? Why is it feeling better now? Is it the stronger Pepcid prescription? It's odd that it improved towards the end of my period....were my hormones that out of whack and my period stabilized them? Or was it just the doxy and whatever it did to my stomach has finally healed? And the sad thing is, I'll probably never know.
I'm still waiting for the pathology report, but from what I read of my procedure report, everything looked good. And what surprises me most of all, with my family history of them and my long history of reflux, there is no mention of a hiatal hernia in the report. I of all people would have expected to have one.
But in the grand tradition of things, my relief in anxiety is short-lived. Folks, I'm freaking out over this Covid-19. And today it was announced that two people in my county have presumptive cases of it, not helping matters by any means. And it's not even so much that I'm worried about myself having it. I'm worried about getting it and passing it on to my family. That's what scares the living hell out of me. Before all of this blew up, I was starting to have issues with leaving the house, and this is just exacerbating it. Any time I'm out, I'm on edge so bad. In work, I'm a mess. This is going to blow my anxiety levels into the fucking stratosphere.
I'm still waiting for the pathology report, but from what I read of my procedure report, everything looked good. And what surprises me most of all, with my family history of them and my long history of reflux, there is no mention of a hiatal hernia in the report. I of all people would have expected to have one.
But in the grand tradition of things, my relief in anxiety is short-lived. Folks, I'm freaking out over this Covid-19. And today it was announced that two people in my county have presumptive cases of it, not helping matters by any means. And it's not even so much that I'm worried about myself having it. I'm worried about getting it and passing it on to my family. That's what scares the living hell out of me. Before all of this blew up, I was starting to have issues with leaving the house, and this is just exacerbating it. Any time I'm out, I'm on edge so bad. In work, I'm a mess. This is going to blow my anxiety levels into the fucking stratosphere.
Thursday, March 5, 2020
Random Thoughts
So I did it. I went through my first upper endoscopy, as well as my first experience with anesthesia. It was truly bizarre receiving anesthesia. You're awake one minute, then struggling to stay awake, next thing you know you're waking up in post-op. I'm relieved to say that ulcers have been ruled out. I still have to wait for my biopsy results, though, so not completely away from the edge yet.
And if my biopsy results come back negative, then what in the hell caused all of this? I've never felt anything like what I've been feeling in my stomach. Was it the doxy? Hell, I honestly wouldn't be the least bit surprised if my hormones were behind it, because I'm pretty sure I threw them out of whack during the holidays.
And as if this should come as a big surprise to anyone who knows my history of health-related obsessions....I'm fucking bugging over this coronavirus shit. I've said many times before that despite having OCD, I'm not particularly obsessed with germs, but I could see this instigating it. And now knowing it's in my state, I'm starting to get real freaked out.
And if my biopsy results come back negative, then what in the hell caused all of this? I've never felt anything like what I've been feeling in my stomach. Was it the doxy? Hell, I honestly wouldn't be the least bit surprised if my hormones were behind it, because I'm pretty sure I threw them out of whack during the holidays.
And as if this should come as a big surprise to anyone who knows my history of health-related obsessions....I'm fucking bugging over this coronavirus shit. I've said many times before that despite having OCD, I'm not particularly obsessed with germs, but I could see this instigating it. And now knowing it's in my state, I'm starting to get real freaked out.
Sunday, March 1, 2020
Random Thoughts
So....my doctor's appointment the other day. The doctor was nice, but I felt kind of rushed and never really got to tell the entire story of when all of this started, so that left me a little frustrated. He put me on Pepcid 40 mg twice a day, and I'm scheduled for an upper this upcoming Wednesday. I'm anxious AF to have it done, but I'm also nervous AF about having it done because one, I've never been under anesthesia and two, I'm scared what may be found.
Saturday, February 29, 2020
Song Of The Day
My God, this song is so catchy. I don't know who ILoveMakonnen is, but I like his voice. And although I am not a Fallout Boy fan (I like a few songs by them), I rather enjoy Patrick Stump's voice.
Sunday, February 23, 2020
Thursday, February 20, 2020
Random Thoughts
I was feeling somewhat good yesterday. I don't know what the hell happened. I woke up and I was so bloated I could barely breathe. Add in the heavy feeling in my chest and constantly feeling like I need to take a deep breath and I'm fucking miserable. I'm sitting here and having such a difficult time breathing. My stomach is one big distended hard ball. I look like I'm about to give birth. My chest is on fire, my throat feels irritated, and I'm nauseous. I also have a bit of a nasty sour taste in my mouth.
Five more days. I might not get an answer but at least I'll be closer to possibly being scoped. I never thought a day would come where I would say I can't wait to undergo an endoscopy. I'm so goddamn anxious and stressed over all of this. I can't concentrate for anything, which in turn is making me worry I'm screwing up in work, thus making my stress and anxiety levels even higher. The anxiety and stress is more than likely exacerbating any of the symptoms I'm feeling. I'm scared every time I eat. I might not even have an ulcer, but if my stress and anxiety keeps running at maximum levels, I'm ultimately going to end up giving myself one.
I so badly want to take the Carafete and/or Protonix to see how they work, but I'm so scared of the side effects, I keep avoiding them.
On a positive note- Mom did very well with her surgery.
"Father Figure" just came on. I still think about that dream every time I hear it. It bugs me to no end that I really cannot remember anything about it, just that I was in some big theater-type place and the song was playing, so why it haunts me so much is a real head-scratcher.
Five more days. I might not get an answer but at least I'll be closer to possibly being scoped. I never thought a day would come where I would say I can't wait to undergo an endoscopy. I'm so goddamn anxious and stressed over all of this. I can't concentrate for anything, which in turn is making me worry I'm screwing up in work, thus making my stress and anxiety levels even higher. The anxiety and stress is more than likely exacerbating any of the symptoms I'm feeling. I'm scared every time I eat. I might not even have an ulcer, but if my stress and anxiety keeps running at maximum levels, I'm ultimately going to end up giving myself one.
I so badly want to take the Carafete and/or Protonix to see how they work, but I'm so scared of the side effects, I keep avoiding them.
On a positive note- Mom did very well with her surgery.
"Father Figure" just came on. I still think about that dream every time I hear it. It bugs me to no end that I really cannot remember anything about it, just that I was in some big theater-type place and the song was playing, so why it haunts me so much is a real head-scratcher.
Wednesday, February 19, 2020
Saturday, February 15, 2020
Random Thoughts
The upside- my grandfather does not have cancer.
The downside- I still have to get through Monday, when my mother has surgery for the 50,000th time.
I'm also still a mental case about what is going on with my digestive system. What's really making me anxious is this heavy feeling in my chest, like I constantly need to take a deep breath that is never satisfying. I also feel like I've been punched in the chest. The weird thing is that heavy feeling in my chest, I typically feel that that before I get my period.
And every so often, I start feeling discomfort in my stomach when I'm eating, almost like a full feeling, but usually once I belch I feel somewhat better. And it makes me anxious, because as I've said before, I never get full. And sometimes when I'm eating or after, I get a very slight but still noticeable feeling in my left upper quadrant that feels like that stitch pain you get when you don't breathe right while exercising.
Pepcid gives me mild to moderate relief, but it's far from perfect. However, it did a damn good job of getting rid of that horrible taste from the back of my throat. That was terrible. It seriously felt and tasted like something died in the back of my throat.
I still have to get through another 10 days until I see the GI. And even then I'm still going to be stuck in an anxiety-wracked limbo wondering what is going on until I get scoped. Even then, will I have an answer? And it still never ceases to amaze me how much more scared I am of being told I have H. pylori or an ulcer than being told I have cancer.
The downside- I still have to get through Monday, when my mother has surgery for the 50,000th time.
I'm also still a mental case about what is going on with my digestive system. What's really making me anxious is this heavy feeling in my chest, like I constantly need to take a deep breath that is never satisfying. I also feel like I've been punched in the chest. The weird thing is that heavy feeling in my chest, I typically feel that that before I get my period.
And every so often, I start feeling discomfort in my stomach when I'm eating, almost like a full feeling, but usually once I belch I feel somewhat better. And it makes me anxious, because as I've said before, I never get full. And sometimes when I'm eating or after, I get a very slight but still noticeable feeling in my left upper quadrant that feels like that stitch pain you get when you don't breathe right while exercising.
Pepcid gives me mild to moderate relief, but it's far from perfect. However, it did a damn good job of getting rid of that horrible taste from the back of my throat. That was terrible. It seriously felt and tasted like something died in the back of my throat.
I still have to get through another 10 days until I see the GI. And even then I'm still going to be stuck in an anxiety-wracked limbo wondering what is going on until I get scoped. Even then, will I have an answer? And it still never ceases to amaze me how much more scared I am of being told I have H. pylori or an ulcer than being told I have cancer.
Tuesday, February 11, 2020
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