Random Thoughts

So help me God, if this bug that is up my ass does not crawl out soon, I'm going to lose my mind.

And the crankier I feel the nastier I am getting and the more I am finding myself doing shit even out of the ordinary for me. I have never felt so unlike myself as I do right now. I've had nasty streaks before, plenty, but I don't ever recall feeling so nasty and bitter as I do right now. And I don't like it.

Yesterday I didn't wake up in the greatest of moods. Partly because it was Monday, partly because I knew I had to go back in to a chart that was taking forever to summarize because it was so fucking detailed, and partly I have no idea why. And then something in work put me in a pissy mood for the rest of the day. And truthfully it's probably me just being too sensitive and reading too much into things. Every so often I'll email billing invoices up to our sister company and some time around December we were given a new person to forward them to. And when he would respond to my emails, I noticed he would include Ms. Croquette. Since I know she used to deal with billing back when I got laid off, I figured she needed to be included in sending them and I started to include her on my emails.

So fast forward to what, 4 months later, I email some invoices yesterday and a few minutes later I get an email from Ms. Croquette asking me and the main person we forward them to "please remove me from these emails". And it just rubbed me the wrong way. I know things can be interpreted wrong in emails, but I can just picture her snooty ass typing the email all snooty like. And why four months later am I being asked this? If she is not supposed to be receiving the emails, then why not, oh I don't know, EMAIL ME SOONER?

And then I came home from work in a foul mood and my sister and my nephew were here. One thing that annoys me with sister is she gets pissed if people overstay their welcome but has no problem ever doing it herself. And my mom is trying to get dinner ready and my sister is just taking her good old time leaving and my nephew is making chaos everywhere and I started feeling really stressed out and I went into my bedroom and at some point said "OMG just go the fuck home already!". Except I didn't just say it. I yelled it. And she heard me.

And my FWA is starting to really get under my skin with her attitude.

And something that is really starting to scare me is how paranoid I am starting to feel. Not paranoid in the sense that people are out to get me (for the most part) or aliens are going to abduct me or the government is going to start transmitting things through my teeth. No, rather I am feeling overly paranoid that everyone is being extremely cold towards me and that everyone hates me and wants me to go away and I am worried that someone hacked in to my Facebook account and posted something offensive that I can't see and that's why everyone is being so cold to me. And I keep wondering if it's the Prozac but I can't figure out why over a year later it would start to do this. And now I'm even more afraid to up my dosage that it will make me even more paranoid. All I know is I went to bed last night thinking, god I wish I had a plan so I can just put an end to this miserable excuse of a life already.

Random Thoughts

The heat sensitivity seems to have settled down some. Still hurts to chew on that side though. And I've tried (multiple times) sticking a swab over each tooth and biting down and of course that never elicits any pain, so I can't even figure out what tooth it is, although I am almost positive it's the root-canaled tooth.

I don't know if it's just the post-period miserable or what, but I have been one cranky ass bitch this past week. I certainly don't feel like I am taking Prozac anymore. Which means I probably need to up my dosage but am still too chicken (I did up it to six days a week, but that lasted two weeks).

And I'm so damn annoyed with work. I keep telling myself to be happy I have a job, but I still drive in to work every morning hoping an 18 wheeler will nail me. My coworkers just get under my skin so damn bad. And lately it's been really bad.

My FWA has had a bit of an attitude problem this week and I'm about to put my foot up her ass. And I guarantee if you asked her what is up her ass, she'd be all I haven't slept WAH the baby hasn't slept WAH. At which point I'd have to walk away because I'd want to give her a look that would make Medusa proud and ask her if she really expects any fucking sympathy from me. YOU wanted to be a mother so bad, YOU constantly go on about how much "it's so worth it", YOU feed your kid junk food all of the time....sit the fuck down.

And other things that annoy me with them are really just my petty side rearing its ugly head. Like how I always like making my favorite doctor a pot of coffee whenever he is in. But for the past week and a half the MOB has been making coffee (apparently she "lost" her travel mug so she's had to make coffee in work instead of just, oh I don't know, BUYING A NEW MUG) so I haven't gotten to make it for him. And it's really grinding my fucking gears. Also, it's pretty funny how twice we've had birthday cake since my birthday and she's eating the cake both times. AND IT'S THE SAME EXACT CAKE AS WHAT I HAD. In fact, almost every morning this past week I've seen her eating a piece of cake from my FWA's birthday cake that was in the fridge. Yeah, okay.

And I'm annoyed how my lunch half hour is no longer mine. I have Jabber Jaws take lunch the same fucking time as I do and normally if I need some peace and quiet and the weather isn't bad, I might go and sit out in my car and have lunch. Except now even that isn't a pleasant experience because not only does my manager take lunch the same time, but she'll also sit in her car. And 99% of the time she's parked next to me. And it feels incredibly awkward sitting in my car right next to her.

On another note....it's snowing out. WTF????

ARGHHHHHHHHHH

I don't know if it's because I am on my period (which came 45 days this time, another 2 days later than before; hello again, premature menopause fear), but I am in one hell of a bad mood.

For starters, I'm incredibly pissed with this heat sensitivity. I'm not scared to have root canal done again, since now I know how incredibly not scary it is, but I don't think I should be facing the possibility of having to have it done again. An endodontic specialist did it, for fuck's sake. Root canals are her specialty! And when I went for my 6 month check-up, she had them do a 3D x-ray on me (boy, can't wait to see how much that is going to cost me) and after she viewed it, she went on this long string. And I couldn't understand anything she said because 1) she talks on the very low side of LOW and 2) she's got a very heavy accent. And I, of course, am too proper and spineless to speak up and say I'm sorry I don't understand what you are saying to me.

I am so scared of getting an infection, or possibly having one that is symptom-less, or getting one that ends up spreading to my jaw or brain or causing sepsis or whatever else scary could happen.

And then every goddamn night I have to hear my mother go on about this ailing her or that ailing her and about the ringing in her ears and buzzing in her head and how there is probably something wrong with her and she can't afford for anything to happen to her right now and I feel like I am going to lose my mind. Not the kind of stuff you want to hear when you worry all of the damn time as it is. Especially when the shit is coming from one of the most important people in your life.

I can't take all of the fucking worrying. I can't take worrying something bad is going to happen to my loved ones while I am at work or whenever I am out or whenever anyone else goes out. I can't take worrying that I am going to make a massive mistake in work and get fired. I can't take worrying about identity theft all of the goddamn time. I can't take worrying about my health all of the time. I can't take worrying about my weight. I can't take worrying about tornadoes and other destructive storms when the warm weather comes. It's time like this I wish I would just get the guts to end it all. Anything to stop all of the NOISE.

Random Thoughts

By luck, my iPad is working again. My brother-in-law got me to try something that I was going to try before but didn't think it would work, but it surprisingly did. And I managed to get the iPad discharged from that account and created an iCloud account with the proper email address.

I can recall as far as early January noticing heat sensitivity on my lower right side that would come and go. But over the past week it has been really bad. And I'm pretty sure that it is my root-canaled tooth. Even food that is lukewarm is setting off pain. Room temperature, cold, freezing, none of that bothers it. Just warm to hot. And then I read about how heat sensitivity can come from gases being released by bacteria and I've got myself scared shitless. I'm about ready to take a pair of pliers and yank the fucking thing out myself.

Fuck You Apple Part Deux

I should have known that my ACCIDENTAL screw up in creating an Apple iCloud account with the wrong email address would eventually come back and bite me in the ass.

I decided to finally update to 9.3 last night and after it completed, I turned it on to come across a set-up page followed by an Activate iPad page. Which has to be done by entering your iCloud ID and password. The latter of which I do not have. And there is no way to format it, reset it, anything. So now all I have is a seven-inch black paperweight.

Enraged does not even begin to cover what I am right now.

The Headline Of The Day

Boaty McBoatface most popular choice to name $380 million ship

Random Thoughts

Well, it should come as no surprise that my blood work came back fine, with the exception of my absolute lymph count being low. I have no idea what that signifies but apparently it must not be anything serious or I would have [hopefully] heard from the doctor.

I'm really and truly starting to question my sanity at this point, although I have a hard time believing that even my anxiety is powerful enough to LOWER my blood pressure. I'd think it would raise it if anything. Or the BP monitor is not working properly, who knows.

I don't feel as bad I did the other day but I am still feeling kind of crappy. I'm still getting heart palpitations, mostly when I'm standing up for a little bit. And I don't know if I'm having a really bad attack of allergies or a cold, but I'm stuffed up and sneezy and my throat feels irritated.

My FWA had a half day on Thursday and off Friday because it was her brat's birthday. And who comes strolling into work at quarter to eleven on Friday? None other than my FWA and her brat. I swear to God she is the only idiot I know who voluntarily comes into work on her days off. I don't know about anyone else, but when I have a day off I don't want to go anywhere near that hellhole. But we all know the reason why she comes in- she wants to show off her daughter. Because don't you know, she's the first and only person in the world to have a child?

Random Thoughts

Although that Web MD ovulation calculator refused to calculate my results and implied I could possibly not be ovulating....I'd find it hard to say I'm not ovulating right now. I still do not understand why my period is coming a week later every month, though. I can't figure out what could possibly be causing it to come so late anymore.

On Tuesday I felt like crap the whole day in work. My heart was pounding hard and kept doing that thing where it felt like it would stop and then start with a big bang. I was nauseous. I was achy. I came home from work and took my temperature but it was only 96.3. Wednesday morning I woke up for work and while I was in the bathroom, my heart started to really race and I slapped my Fitbit on and watched my heart rate steadily climb as high as 113 BPM. And the higher it climbed the more nauseous I felt and then I started to feel really lightheaded and like I was going to black out, so I went in and woke my mom up and she took my blood pressure and it was something like 83/63. I ended up calling out of work and going back to sleep for a little bit. When I woke up, not long after I got out of bed, my heart started to race again and I felt achy all over and I took my temperature again and it was 98.1. A little later I ended up going to the doctor. Had an EKG and blood work done. Haven't gotten the results on either yet. 

I feel a little better today but not great. My heart is still racing and I still feel somewhat nauseous. I don't know if my body is trying to fight some kind of virus or what is going on. Plus my allergies are bothering me as well.

I stopped taking Miralax on Sunday and have been pretty constipated. My stomach feels horrible. There is never any win. It's either diarrhea or constipation. Never a happy medium.

I'm ready Cemetery Girl by David Bell. It's my third book I've read by him and since the first two were pretty good, I expected this one to be as well. Definitely not the case. I've never hated so many characters in a book as I do in this one. They're all terrible people. If I got to the end of it and they all died in a horrible fiery crash, I'd cheer.

And Here We Go Again

Really?

So much for the early menopause fear being dead and buried forever.

Random Thoughts

So luckily no tornadoes came during that last tornado watch, although we did get some rather nasty storms. This weather is nuts. Yesterday I cleaned about an inch or more of snow off of my car and drove to work in snow and this upcoming week it's going to be in the 70's. What the hell?

And these crazy warm ups that keep popping up are making me very nervous of what kind of weather spring is going to bring. Namely, what kind of severe weather.

Boy, Facebook really knows how to bring out the hateful side of people, doesn't it? My God, some of the things people on my newsfeed post, I'm like whoa, seriously?! And while I know some stupid ass delusional people, I can't believe I actually know anyone stupid and delusional enough to want to vote for Donald Trump. Really- he's trolling us all with his shit, right?

I was exercising earlier and "A Good Sadness" came on and I thought hey, Oracular Spectacular came out in 2007, Congratulations came out in 2010, and MGMT came out in 2013. A new album seems to come out every 3 years. It's time, boys! Time for some new music!

This past week, I reluctantly added another day of taking Prozac, upping my dosage to 6 days a week of 20 mg from 5 days a week of 20 mg. I hope it helps some and doesn't make me gain weight. I also hope it doesn't make me even more apathetic than it's already made me.

Another thing I have noticed since starting the medication is I have gotten even worse with discussing things on my mind. I was kind of bad with discussing problems before, but now I really tend to take everything and just shove it deep down inside of me instead of getting it off my chest.

Or maybe it's because all of a sudden I've become everyone's dumping ground for their problems. I constantly have to hear about what is ailing my mother or how horrible my sister's pregnancy is going or how bad my nephew is being. And the terrible thing is how much I feel like screaming I DON'T CARE to it all. And I feel HORRIBLE feeling that way towards my family, although to be fair it's not just isolated to them. Anytime anyone talks to me in work, or anywhere really for that matter, 90% of the time I feel like screaming I DON'T CARE.