Oh FFS

A tornado warning? Really? JFC like I am not anxious enough.

Gee, so much for the severe threat to diminish as the night wears on.

Random Thoughts

I woke up with a little irritation down below this morning, but it eventually went away. And so far I haven't had much, if any, and no bladder irritability. Hopefully it will stay like that, although I'd still like to know what caused it. I still have the heart palpitations, though. And every time I feel hot, I start to panic, which in turn makes me hotter, which makes me even more anxious, and so on. Anxiety is a real bitch. A real powerful bitch.

I had originally wanted to go to the Peddler's Village blueberry festival yesterday, but since my anxiety levels have been so bad, I didn't push to go because I didn't want to go to something that I have been wanting to go to for a couple years feeling miserable as shit, so we ended up not doing much of anything yesterday except spending an exorbitantly amount of time in a Super Wal-Fart and then going to dinner at Longhorn. But we decided to go to Peddler's today and despite being hot and somewhat overcast, it was a nice day. Plus it wasn't mad busy like when we go to Apple Fest.

And now it's back to hell tomorrow. Ugh. At least my manager is out on vacation this week, so it should be a little bit less stressful. After Friday, I am glad she isn't going to be in. She was a real fucking pain in the ass on Friday, especially with what she did in the morning. I was working on a chart and I get an email from someone at our sister company telling me she just wanted to let me know that more records came in for the person's chart I was working on and my manager was included in the email and she writes us both back letting the other person know that I'd print them out and work on them. So I start to print them out and my FWA asks me if I was printing medical records and I said yeah and she asked me who and I tell her who and she tells me she is printing them out. I said "What? Why are you printing them out when [manager] asked me to print them out?" and she says she got an email from her asking her to print them out. I said "well, that doesn't make any sense!" and then my manager came out and I said "why is FWA printing out the same medical records you asked me to print out?". I was so damn tense and anxious that the whole thing just really pissed and I didn't really give a shit how I talked to my manager. And she acted all dumb and a few minutes later she comes out and says it was her fault. Uh, well who else's would it be? But this is what pissed me off- she went up and apologized to my FWA.

I don't understand how someone sends two different people an email asking them to print out the same person's medical records. How fucking stupid is that? I could see if she asked and then maybe just forgot. But you have the damn email right in front of you! I don't understand 99% of the shit that dumb bitch does. Just like the whole thing with lunch the Thursday before the Fourth of July. How on any planet did that situation make sense? And she has the nerve to complain about all of the stupidity at our sister company? Throwing stones and glass houses and all that.

And I love how she just allows people's mistakes to be swept under the rug like nothing. I was working on a chart that same Thursday and it kind of ended abruptly and I thought it was odd so I pulled up the original set of medical records and found several visits and legal paperwork that were not in the chart I had in front of me. Here when it was printed out by the coworker who plays on her phone all the time, she missed printing out at least a good half inch of records. Probably because she was too busy playing on her phone or on the internet while she was doing it. And my manager said something to her about it and that was it. Guess who had to reprint it out and organize it and everything? Not her. And this isn't the first time I have found medical records that were printed out by her that were not completely printed out. I don't know how she works as a medical assistant, but as a regular employee she fucking sucks. I am far from a perfect worker and I make mistakes, but she is just freaking ridiculous. And I know damn well it's because she probably plays on her phone or on the internet when she is doing this stuff.

And I could probably rant about my FWA for about another hour, but I am too damn tired to do so. But I have to laugh how every time she posts something on Facebook her mother and her boyfriend's mother get into these mini spats. You're 2 freaking middle-aged women! Grow the hell up already! And the time her mother said that breast fed babies don't get colic make me laugh and laugh and laugh. Uh, yeah they do. I don't even have babies and I know that. Now I know where her daughter gets her stupidity and obnoxiousness from.

And speaking of parenthood, I can't stand that Apple iPhone commercial with that annoying living the life of dreams song. That song is so fucking annoying! I can just picture a twee Zooey Deschanel-looking hipster thing singing it. It sounds like some Juno hipster crap. Now I actually liked Juno, but the music in it.....lol noo. And that new singing Wendy's commercial....FFS.

And speaking of Apple, I don't know why people bitch about Internet Explorer sucking as a browser (I am not referring to the security complaints) because Safari does a pretty fine job of sucking eggs itself. It crashes constantly, you open a tab, go back, and it reloads itself. Dafuq, Apple?

Also, I am feeling a little irritated and hot now. And here comes the anxiety.

Random Thoughts

Had the Reeses peanut butter cup pie Blizzard last night. It's pretty much worth the 810 calories.

My anxiety levels have been terrible since my last post. Saturday morning, my brain had just woken up, eyes not even open yet, and my heart was already pounding like there was no tomorrow. It is the worst feeling when your heart is pounding and then you start getting anxious, thus making it pound even harder. The minute I climbed out of bed, my heart started to pound even harder. And it had been doing that thing again every so often where it feels like it stops and then starts up with a bang. Getting into a shower really brings it on. It is a very unsettling feeling.

And I had some irritability down below and in my bladder. The irritability ceased a lot during the day so my anxiety levels are down some right now, but give it time- the first sign of it coming back, I'll be right back to being an anxious mess.

I was upset about it on Friday and of course the first thing I get from everyone is "you need to get help and go on medicine". No shit, Sherlock. I know I need help, for fuck's sake. But I don't want to go on medicine. My family acts like I have never been on medicine. But I have! And despite no one believing me, I will go to my grave swearing that medicine (Effexor) is exactly what put me in the position I am in now. I wasn't exactly in a great spot before I went off of it, but going off it made everything a million times worse. And I hate to sound so shallow but I am not going to lie- I don't want to go on medicine because I don't want to gain weight.

And then my mom says something like I know it's my anxiety so why do I get so upset. I said because I can't shake the feeling that it may not be. I don't understand what is so hard to comprehend about these things. When I go through these bouts of worrying I have some disease or something, whether it's only my anxiety or not, I am still not going to be able to shake it off that that is all it is. THAT IS WHY I AM SO ANXIOUS.

And like the other times, when I go through these things, all I want is an answer. And I start contemplating going to the ER to get one, even though I know I'll go and all I get from the doctors is LOL ANXIETY. Just like everyone else tells me. And I am starting to worry that one of these days all my crying wolf and no one listening to me is going to bite me in the ass and I'll end up croaking. And then I'll laugh because nobody listened to me. Wherever I end up.

I also wonder a lot of times if I am really experiencing these symptoms or if they are possibly a figment of my anxiety. Is my anxiety so bad that it has me believing I am experiencing these symptoms when I really am not? That is unsettling. Extremely unsettling.

I was at Wal-Fart earlier and I was looking at ovulation tests. I was going to buy one but then I started to think, what if I buy one and it never shows I am ovulating? Then I'll lose it. I am still kind of wishing I bought one anyway. I am only on day 12 of my cycle, but maybe I might buy one over the next few days. Like I said before, I can usually physically tell when I am, but I think I may feel a little better if I have confirmation that I am, even though the tests may not always be accurate. I can't stand this every month worrying that it's going to come early or not at all. Every time I go into the bathroom, I dread that I am going to be bleeding unless I am expecting my period. It's sad how obsessed I have become with my menstrual cycle.

And to top off my anxiety, there is call for bad weather this upcoming week. The other day, TOR:CON was at 4 for Tuesday. It's since been downgraded to a 2-3, but still. What will it actually be on Tuesday? And Monday sounds like it's going to be stormy as well. I think TOR:CON is the same and so far the SPC has the risk for severe weather at slight for Monday. Whether either will change, I won't know until Monday. I am praying neither does, though, unless the severe risk changes from slight to nothing and TOR:CON is downgraded. Ugh, I am going to be such a wreck the next few days. Fucking Typhoon Neoguri wreaking havoc on everything.

Don't know if I have to get up early or not on Sunday so I guess I should head off to bed. My nerves are already in a frenzy that I am not going to sleep and/or wake up at some point with irritability. It never fucking stops ever.

Random Thoughts

I used to always watch Spongebob in the morning before I left for work. Then a couple weeks ago, Nick started playing The Fairly Oddparents at 7 and Spongebob at 7:30. This week they decided to stop playing both. So I had to find something new to watch. And what did I find on Monday? The Three Stooges. I was ecstatic. And during the commercial break, a commercial for Cadillac came on and I could not put my finger on what song was playing. I kept running the lyrics over and over in my head and then it finally clicked- it was some dancey version of "Gold" by Sir Sly.

I don't listen to that song nearly enough.

I was hoping that once my period came on and then ended that the fear of premature menopause would go on the back burner. Not the case. My anxiety levels are through the fucking roof over it. I have been feeling uncomfortable down below and having some bladder pressure off and on through the day and all I can think is it's atrophic vaginitis. Every time I am hot- hot flashes (although today my anxiety was so bad I was so cold I was almost shaking). Feeling depressed, anxious, irritable, having mood swings, dry eyes, acne, bloating, insomnia- all signs. I dread going to bed every night that I am not going to sleep. I am also beyond exhausted from the stress. Emotionally I just can't even fucking take it anymore. I don't know how my body is physically taking it. I was so worried about my adrenal glands for the longest time; I am surprised they haven't exploded from all of the stress I put on them from stressing out so much.

And not having anything to check is stressing me out even more. Every so often I pull the mirror down off of the wall to take a look down below, but I don't even have any idea what to look for. Or sometimes I might feel around for any dryness (don't know if you can actually feel that or not). I am half tempted to buy an ovulation test to see if I am ovulating around the time I generally see signs of it. I am so anxious that I am going to start bleeding any day or that my period won't come when it's supposed to. Or what is going to be in store for my next round of PMS. And I am so desperate to get an answer and I don't know where to go to get that answer because as usual, it can never be something that is easily diagnosed or ruled out.

Random Thoughts

Well, our 4th of July cookout (on the 5th) was an experience. My dad was a miserable bastard because my grandparents, aunt, and my aunt's friend came. Our grill caught on fire. That was horrifying. Every time a grill is used, one of my biggest fears is it catching on fire and exploding, so needless to say when flames started shooting out of it, I was freaking out (internally) because all I could see were the flames hitting the propane tank and....well, you can picture the rest. And everyone in my family basically just stood around and watched it and I wanted to scream JFC people will you get the hell away from it?! I was shaking so bad for quite a while after it finally was put out. I am still horrified from it because I can't get the image of it out of my head and the thought of the flames hitting the propane tank.

I can't believe the weekend is going to be over already. And it was a sucky ass weekend. I did not do one thing of interest at all. Friday I did shit, except scrub my tub and clean the inside of my car. I am almost wishing I would have cleaned my bedroom. Saturday was the cookout, which ended up being pretty boring. No chance to go down the shore, no anything. Now it will be back to hell.

I am so damn furious over this whole thing with August. I can't even describe just how pissed I am. For one, I don't understand what our most senior employee being out on vacation that week has to do with me. We don't even do the same job (well, sometime she does what I do, but it's very rare). When she is on her vacation 2 weeks prior, one of our medical assistants is going to be out that same week. Why is it okay for her to be out that week as well? And really now- is my being out really going to affect the workload that much? In case my manager forgot, I am slow as shit.

I have said a million times before and I will say it again- I will never understand my manager's logic of thinking. Most of my coworkers take lunch between noon and one. On Thursday, I get an email from my manager telling me my FWA is taking lunch at 1 and I need to cover for her until I go to lunch at 1:35 and to let her know when I am going to lunch so she can have someone cover me. On what planet does that make any sense? Why not just have someone who already took lunch sit up front and cover for the whole 45 (55) minutes the princess is gone? And we had 3 medical assistants in the office that day and once again, I had to sit up front when we had patients. I don't understand on the days we have patients why one of the girls who deal with patients on a regular basis can't sit up front. Why is my manager such a fucking moron?

Another thing I don't understand is how when my FWA had a 30 minute lunch, she came back in 35, 40 minutes. Her lunch is extended to 45 minutes because she is a special little princess who expects the whole world to stop and cater to her every beck and call because she decided to fucking reproduce and she is now coming back in 55 minutes or more. What the fuck is wrong with her? I have never wanted to hit someone upside the head as much as her. I would love to know how other breastfeeding moms work their breast pumping in the workplace. It seems like my FWA just came back from maternity leave and told my manager that she is breastfeeding at this time and this time and this time and my manager just catered to her. Like she expects the whole workplace to just stop and allow her to do whatever she wants when she wants. Another one of my coworkers, the one who plays on her phone all the time, I wasn't there when she had just had her son, but I am pretty sure she wasn't granted these special privileges when she was pumping.

And that's another thing that annoys me- how my FWA has to constantly bring up that she is pumping. Every time she is going to the bathroom to do so, she has to say "I am going to pump", like none of us know by now that that is what she is going to do. Every. Single. Damn. Time. Or one day she didn't get to finish doing something and she said "oh I would have gotten it done if I didn't have to stop and pump". I felt like turning to her and saying "gee, FWA, do you pump? Because we never would have known. Also, nobody gives a fuck if you pump". She was telling me one day about how she wasn't making a whole lot of milk when she first had the baby. I tuned out right after she said "I wasn't making enough milk". I think she rattled on for about 15 minutes about it after that. All I wanted to do was scream JFC I don't fucking care!

Earlier, 104.5 posted an article titled How Well Do You Know Imagine Dragons? on their Facebook page and....look, I know a lot of 104's fans aren't fans of them but I was pretty surprised at just how much people seem to hate them. I can understand disliking their music, but for the most part, who exactly do they hurt? I almost never, if ever, hear anything about them. They seem like really nice, down-to-earth guys. Same thing with MGMT. I very rarely read anything negative about them (I rarely read anything about them period) but when I do, it can be pretty hostile. And again, who do they hurt? And knowing what both front men are like (Dan having anxiety and depression, Andrew talking about having performance anxiety and other issues from album criticism), it makes me feel extra bad. It's not like they are out being obnoxious pricks like Kanye West or something or spreading messages of hate or anything horrible like that.

Quote Of The Day

From one of the greatest Futurama episodes (Roswell That Ends Well):

Farnsworth: Start the ship, Leela. Let's just steal the damn radar dish and get back to our own time. 

Fry: But-- But won't that change history?
Farnsworth: [sarcastic] Oh, a lesson in not changing history from Mr. I'm-My-Own-Grandpa! Let's get the hell out of here already! Screw history!

Random Thoughts

I don't get eating competitions. I hate to be that person, but FFS there are starving people in the world and we have to have competitions to see who can shove the most food down their gullets as fast as possible? Then again, with the way I restrict food, am I really any better? I have access to plenty of food and choose to restrict it for fear of getting fat. But it's not like I am starving myself. I eat no less than 1350 calories a day, which could essentially still be too little for me, but who in the hell knows? It's still not starvation. Anyway, I am a sick fuck, we all know that.

I was cleaning my tub earlier and "Creep" by Radiohead was on and since 104.5 is doing back to back this weekend, I thought, if they play "Karma Police" next, I will be ecstatic. Much to my delight, it was the next song they played. Now I have not been able to get enough of it today. I kind of stopped listening to it there for a while and forgot how good of a song it was.

I also realized that Tuesday was the 3 year anniversary of the first time I heard "It's Working", aka the song that ultimately brought on my MGMT obsession. It's corny, I know, but.....shut up.

And speaking of Tuesday, I haven't wanted to say anything and jinx myself, but you-know-what did finally appear on Tuesday. I was going to absolutely lose my mind if it didn't come soon. I don't even know what I would have done if it didn't come. I'd probably be in the hospital right now. I was never so relieved to see my period as I was the other day. I nearly broke down in tears in the bathroom. Sad, isn't it? And every time I start to want to complain about it, I have to mentally kick and remind myself that I need to shut my trap and be happy that it is here.

Yesterday and today I haven't felt too hot. I took my blood pressure at one point yesterday and it was 100/54, then a little later it was 126/72. My heart has felt fluttery. Also, I have been salting my food like crazy. And you would think that I would be going absolutely apeshit right now, but I don't know, I just can't muster enough energy to give a shit anymore whether I have Addison's disease or not (although that is the underlying reason why I am terrified to go through early menopause, go figure). I went through TWO years of absolute fucking mental HELL worrying that I had it and now it's like it never even bothered me.

And because I can never have less than several things to fret about in life (ridiculous or not), I brought up to my manager the other day about possibly taking 3 days off in August to go down the shore with my grandparents. Of course, wouldn't you know our most senior employee is on vacation that week? Because I guess the week of vacation 2 weeks prior isn't enough. So my manager says while she doesn't see a problem with it right now, she can't officially give me an answer until the end of the month when she gets back from vacation herself. I want to cry. I thought for sure it would have been okay. Oh sure it was okay for people to be out on vacation while my FWA was out on her extra special long maternity leave and the work was backed up. Now everyone is back, including 2 new employees, and I have to wait to get an answer because my manager wants to see what the workload is going to be like.

And of course, people are like well call out if it's not approved. Which makes me only feel even shittier about the whole situation. I would like to but I would be so afraid of getting written up or fired. But if I don't go down and something happens to my grandparents between then and next year, I will never forgive myself for putting my job over my family. No matter how shitty I may treat my family, I still love them and they will always come first. But then if I get fired, I'll never forgive myself. There is no fucking win for me here. Except to have the vacation approved.

Happy Birfday, America!

Have a safe and fun 4th!

The WTF Slash Song Of The Day

Linkin Park's Mike Shinoda on CHVRCHES, Haim, & Vampire Weekend: it's "Disney commercial music"

At first I thought he was knocking MGMT and the shanks were about to come out, but then I realized he wasn't. I think. But either way, who in the hell is Linkin Park to say anything about music sounding the same? With the exception of a few songs, all of their songs sound exactly the same! Take a seat, Linkin Park. Many, many seats.

And all of those people dissing Imagine Dragons on page 3 need to sit as well. They're probably basing their opinion on one or two songs. Whether you like their music or not, you can't read articles about them or read their Twitter (especially Dan's) and tell me they aren't really nice guys (especially Dan). Then again, this is the same place where there are legitimate fans of worthless people like Kim Kardashian and Lindsay Lohan and people like Hilary Duff, reality stars, etc and everyone's idea of a smart hilarious comment is "white people". Ooo we hate white people! They're all so damn stupid and evil! Lemme complain about how much I hate white people on a celebrity blog and lemme choose one of my many icons of some white celebrity to go with my I hate white people comment!

Screw you, Mike:

Random Thoughts

I almost had another completely sleepless night last night. I woke up at 2:30 to pee, had not one trace of blood and just burst into tears. Tried to fall back asleep and couldn't because I was hot and felt irritated down below. Finally I just got back up out of bed and paced back and forth in the house like a caged animal and cried. I almost felt like I was going to completely disassociate from myself. Or completely lose my mind. And feeling like I was going to do one or the other (or possibly both) only agitated me more. My dad came out at one point to find out what was going on and I just said I was agitated from not being able to sleep and I needed to sleep or I don't know what I will do. I wasn't going to tell my father that I am terrified I am going through early menopause.

I finally fell back to sleep sometime after 5 (I think) and slept at least an hour or so. I hope to God I sleep tonight because these bouts of insomnia are really doing me in.