Picture Of The Day

I initially wanted that picture on a T-shirt for work, but now I want one just in general. Especially when people bitch to me about their health ailments. Then I can just point to my shirt. Yes, I know I sound like a bratty little child (although I suspect hormones have a hand in this), but if no one wants to give a fuck about mine, why should I have to give a fuck about theirs?

Video Of The Day

Take This Disorder And Shove It

It just is not stopping.

Let's run through the list one more time- since May, I have gone from general foot stress fracture to navicular stress fracture to meningococcemia to tooth abscess to Addison's disease. Well, that last one still hasn't gone away yet. Every time I start to think it is, something will happen that makes me doubt it. I am still climbing up onto my bathroom counter in my underwear with a handheld mirror and inspecting different areas of my body in front of the big mirror.

So what is it now? Oh not a new one. Something that I had before- a retinal detachment. And just like most of the others, I have no idea what specifically started it. It may have just been one time I was sitting in front of the computer and saw a couple flashes of light in my right eye. And since then, I have been seeing them. And the sad thing is, I am not even sure if I really am.

And of course, now I am noticing my stupid eye floaters more and it has me wondering if I am actually seeing more or if they have worsened in darkness or if it's all just my imagination. I have them in both eyes pretty badly and they all mostly come up near the nasal area. If I cross my eyes, I can see them off in the distance. And some of them are a good half inch in length. One of the ones in my left eye has a big dark center and about three arms. It looks like an alien!

And noticing them more is making me do crazy shit when I try to read stuff, as well as constantly trying to follow the stupid little buggers, and I think I am badly straining my eyes due to it, because they have been feeling very irritated, although no redness. Predictably enough, that only makes me worry more that it could be a detachment, in spite of the fact that pretty much all of the material I have read say retinal detachments are painless.

And like the other fears, there is stuff I have to do all day to try and [very unsuccessfully] get rid of the anxiety. I have to keep covering one eye or the other to see if my vision is the same. Freak out at the slightest sign of abnormalcy. I try to do stuff to distract myself and all I see are the damn floaters and I lose any concentration I might have had and can only focus on them. Even now, typing this, they are all I see. The white background makes it so much worse. It's frustrating.

I also happen to have freakishly long eye lashes that tend to tangle in one another and sometimes I think some of the stuff I see is them untangling. Again, I do not know.

I am so done with this shit. I really can't take it anymore. And I am getting close to that time of the month coming and if it's anything like last month, it made the OCD flare up really bad. I am dreading it coming because if I have to go through anxiety like I did last time, God knows what I may do. Because I am in kind of a worst situation than I was last month.

The semi-good news (not for my wallet) is I did decide to go with COBRA for a little bit, which means I should be able to visit the gynocologist this month (even better news- it's a preventive service, so it will be covered 100% by my insurance) and I probably should bring it up to my doctor, although she may try to push birth control on me, which I refuse to take unless I am using it for it's purpose. My mother and my sister both swear I have PMDD. I am sure you can all guess what my response usually is to that. Although I am starting to wonder.

All I know is I am tired of this OCD and I am tired of not feeling well and not knowing why. And every time I think the vertigo is gone for good, it comes back, as well as some other things.

Picture Of The Day

See more on Know Your Meme

The Awesome Of The Day

Like you didn't see it coming!

Oh No They Didn't! - MGMT Halloween Poast

I briefed over the comment section earlier and this exchange had me laughing hysterically:

nice wig
what's it made of?
YOUR MOMS CHEST HAIR

I don't know why, but there is still something that makes me giggle at your mom jokes. And at that first picture of Andrew. He looks like a woman in the midst of a mind-blowing orgasm.

I am feeling pretty miserable and stressed, since it's the last day of having health insurance unless I decide to go with COBRA, so I think I am going to say the hell with my diet right now (even though I have pretty much said that the past few days) and I am going to go get a pumpkin pie Blizzard! One last hurrah with one since I will have to wait another year to get one.

HAPPY HALLOW-HEEN EVERYONE!!!!

Video Of The Day

The WTF Of The Day

The Awesome Of The Day

"Kids" on the new episodes of Beavis & Butthead? Totally would have NEVER seen that coming.

*sniffs, voice cracking* My heart is swelling with glee.

Quote Of The Day

From "Godfellas":

[Scene: Bender "swims" through space to The Blue Danube.]
Malachi: Oh, Metal Lord, hear my prayer.
[Bender sighs.]
Bender: [irate] Yes, Malachi, what is it this time?
Malachi: My Lord, the infidels on your back no longer believe in you. They say their prayers go unheeded.
Bender: Of course they're unheeded. How am I supposed to hear prayers coming out of my ass?

Random Thoughts

Week 1 of unemployment down....an unknown amount more to go. Just sitting here, enjoying an angel food cake. A non-moldy one this time. Blech. I happened to look at the date on the box the next day and it said sell by October 3. Cripes. No wonder it was freaking moldy! And just like with googling it, it probably would have helped if I had looked at the date before eating it, right?

And now I get to look forward to getting two more cavities filled tomorrow. Huzzah! But that should be the last of them, because I had my entire mouth x-rayed when I had my teeth cleaned this past Tuesday and that was all that was seen. So, all in all, I haven't had my teeth cleaned since 2009 (which absolutely kills me, because I have always been someone who faithfully went every 6 months, until I lost my initial dental insurance), and I had 4 total cavities. I guess that is not too terrible, but still. I do try to take care of my teeth. I never ever brush my teeth less than twice a day- for the full 2 minutes. I am not so good with the whole flossing, although I do try to do it every night at least. And I suspect that is my whole problem, because all of my cavities were in the very back molars, where I have a lot of trouble keeping and getting food out of.

I was on Facebook yesterday (actually I always am; I don't really do anything, I just never log out; but that is beside the point) and my WA sends me a message that the office is chaotic and everything. Apparently a lot of stuff that is supposed to be done in our sister office is still needing to be done there. And then she tells me that she and another coworker are doing my job. Now I know I don't always have the best reactions to things, but I got very upset when she told me that. It was like a fucking punch to the stomach. I don't understand why she would tell me that. Especially since she knew how upset I was over losing my job and seen me cry many times about it.

But later on it occured to me that on my last day she happened to ask our boss who would be doing my job (there would still be some to be done) and my boss says that she would be doing it and my WA actually turned and said "oh well I won't be billing anymore so maybe I can learn". I was just like really? You are honestly saying this on my last day of work? I was already ticked off because right before she had came in my boss was talking to me about it being my last day and to just let her know if I need references or anything and my WA comes in and just stands there listening. I felt like snapping do you fucking mind? This conversation does not involve you.

Every single time I think I am starting to maybe come out of this black hole, something drags me back down again. That set me off yesterday, then I was out and I happened to look down at my hands and they looked a funny color and I could feel my anxiety levels rising and I stopped in the restroom and was looking in the mirror at my face and seeing things that more than likely are not there and my anxiety levels started to reach nuclear levels and I felt like I was going to blow from it. This goddamn fear of Addison's is just not going away for anything.

Now I don't know if this is something that is just part of certain mental illnesses or not, but having the fear not going away only ignites another fire, one of almost paranoia- why is it not going away?! Why cannot I not stop worring about it? Is it some kind of sign?

I am starting to feel like I am losing my grip on reality and eventually all ties to reality are going to be cut. And it's scaring the hell out of me. I am absolutely terrified of losing my mind.

I am also starting to get really scared that something really malicious is going on in my brain. Anxiety is powerful, but I am having a hard time believing it could cause this much trouble.

An even bigger annoyance is I already have another one waiting in the wing. One that previously terrified me before, but is pretty much on par with Addison's, maybe just a little scarier.