*Sigh*

Folks, this is one of the hardest posts I've ever had to type.

My father was scheduled for hernia repair surgery on Thursday 5/20. The week before he underwent a stress test and the cardiologist called on Friday 5/14 to give him the results, which were not good and he needed to undergo catheterization for a fairly significant blockage before he had the hernia surgery. So he had that scheduled for Tuesday 5/18. Come that morning, my mom calls me at work upset and tells me that when the doctor started the procedure, other significant blockages were found and my dad needed to be transferred to another hospital for more complex surgery. So he was transferred, evaluated, and set up for triple bypass/aortic valve replacement on Friday 5/21, which he underwent without any issues.

I'm still trying to sort out what exactly what happened from that point on. Saturday he was doing great. Come Sunday, things started to get a little wonky. My dad was hallucinating. At one point, he asked what were they going to do about his brother, who is deceased, and another time he asked when his parents, who are both decreased, were coming for him. He threw up bile a couple days. On Wednesday 5/26, he had decreased urine output. Later that day, my mom calls me at work upset that they were trying to put an NG tube down to do something to help him feel better and were having trouble. Then later on, things went completely awry, he was hypoxic, etc. and my sister is telling me is he was placed on a ventilator and ECMO. And the doctors wanted to send him for a CT scan to find out what was going on (bowel blockage, etc), but he was too unstable.

At some point, he must have stabilized and was able to undergo a CT scan the next morning. My sister and I were allowed to come visit him, so I took a half day and went down with my sister. The nurse explained to us that was likely sepsis from chemical pneumonia that resulted from aspirating, as well as a bowel blockage. There was good news, his reflexes were good, he was decreased on some of the medications he was on, one was stopped altogether. So my sister and I left feeling somewhat hopeful.

Friday was uneventful. He was considered critical but stable. Saturday I gave my mom a break from driving down and took her down to the hospital. It was just....folks, he just didn't look good. Drastically different from two days prior. He had this strange dark blue color to his face, which was supposedly due to the medications, but was still completely unsettling to see. He was hyperkalemic. His ammonia levels were elevated. His kidneys were also not doing too hot, so my mom had to consent to starting continuous dialysis. My mom and I left feeling very unsettled and when she called later that night to get an update from the nurse, it was not encouraging by any means. He was still hyperkalemic and things were just not looking good.

I went to bed feeling very unsettled by that news and at one point I heard the phone ring while I was sleeping and I rolled over and seen 6:45AM. I shot out of bed into my parent's room and when my mom got off the phone, she said it was the hospital and that we should get there as soon as possible. Then about an hour later the hospital calls again saying we really needed to get there as soon as possible. So we drive down picking my sister up on the way and rush up the floor. My dad had coded, I'm guessing right before they called us back again judging by what was written on the door (it said "shock 7:44"). He was no longer on the ventilator but was still on ECMO. The doctor came in to talk to us. It just....folks, it was just was not happening. A clergyman was on his way. And with my mom, my sister, and I standing around the bed during the reading of last rites, my father passed away at 9:23AM Sunday 5/30.

NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE

N.J. to drop many COVID restrictions May 19. Restaurant, indoor capacity limits eliminated, but social distancing rules remain. - nj.com

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Random Thoughts

I spent the day with my sister, nephews, and mom. At one point, I'm in the midst of telling my sister a story, and as typically he does, my oldest nephew keeps interrupting. I finally at one point hollered "I'M TALKING RIGHT NOW!". Look, I'm trying to be a little more understanding now that he's officially been diagnosed with ADHD, and I am starting to feel guilty....but when you're someone who has a difficult enough time talking, and you're constantly interrupted at work, at home, whenever you're around anyone period, or you're constantly having to repeat yourself to people because they don't hear you, or you're talking to people and they're clearly not listening....well, it's a little hard to not eventually lose your cool.

It's terrible, I love my nephews, but I have a very hard time dealing with them, especially my older one. He's just very overwhelming. My anxiety levels get so high whenever I'm around him.

The other day my parents and I stood around the dinner table anxiously watching the verdict for the George Floyd. Although I definitely think Chauvin was guilty as fuck, I was genuinely surprised he was charged on all three counts. I don't know how anyone can say what he did was not murder. 

Let me emphasize that I think Chauvin was guilty as complete sin and deserves everything thrown at home, but when I was watching the reading of the verdict, I felt this sort of sense of almost pity. Like what so terrible happens to someone in their life to make them so evil? Or is it just simply nature? 

Life is so confusing sometimes.

Random Thoughts

I was in the shower earlier listening to "Siberian Breaks" and it got me thinking about how long I've known the song and I realized it's been almost a decade. Just took a look at my iTunes library of when I uploaded Congratulations and it was exactly 9 years ago today I uploaded it. Nine years! WTF! 

Not that I look forward to any work week, but I am especially not looking forward to this week. My manager has been in quarantine the past week and will be again this coming week. Last week, any time I was stuck with just the Gruesome Twosome, it was a fucking nightmare. They did not shut up. And I think two days this coming week will be just them and me. I want to scream every time I think about it. It's bad enough neither of them know how to shut the fuck up, but both of them have two of the most annoying voices I have ever heard in my entire life. Why is it people with the most annoying voices are always the most talkative?

One day one of my coworkers was telling me how she isn't planning on getting the vaccine, and that she never bothers getting any like the flu shot or anything, she takes Emergen-C, she never gets sick, etc. I mean, we won't even point out the fact that the doctor you work with is elderly, has heart problems, and is incredibly high risk....but really? You think taking Emergen-C keeps you from ever getting anything? Okay. Whatever helps you sleep at night. She was going on again about it one day with my FWA, who also unsurprisingly not getting the vaccine. My FWA also said at the same time that she would rather her daughter get the flu than a flu shot. A few minutes later the other coworker decided to share that she never votes. Folks, I can't. I just can't.

Song Of The Day

Because six months since I made it SotD and to this day the beauty of it still amazes me, I decided to make it SotD once again:

Song Of The Day

My relationship with twenty one pilots is odd, I either cannot stand their songs or I absolutely love them. This is [obviously] one of the latter:

Song Of The Day

I knew it long before, but ever since I heard it blasting on the Wildwood boardwalk a couple of years ago, I've been obsessed with it:

Song Of The Day

I fell in love with this song the very first time I heard it, but it's so damn sad:

Random Thoughts

And here we go again, another weekend almost over. And one that is an hour shorter.

Earlier my FWA posted something and complained about cancel culture. Now as I have said before, I am no fan of cancel culture. But for some inexplicable reason, when something that I don't care for pisses off people that I don't care for, I get a jolly out of it. Especially when they get so goddamn offended over it. I mean some people really come apart at the seams, like it actually personally affects them. Like just gripe it about a handful of times and then STFU. Also, if anyone needs cancelling, it's my FWA, for being so offensively stupid.

The other day my manager was sitting at the lunch table once again reading, and the gruesome twosome started talking away. At one point I seen my manager look up at the ceiling, like she was starting to get annoyed. But did she get up and say anything? Oh heaven forbid! Do we want the earth to fall off its axis?!

That former coworker I talked about the other day all of a sudden is on a roll with bitching about Biden. Let me get this straight- she constantly posts memes praising Chump and bashing Biden, and then in another post will post memes that condemn people for acting stupid during the pandemic. I mean....she does realize that Chump is a big part of the reason why people are acting stupid? Well, apparently not. Then again, this is someone who constantly posts about RIL she is, and I wouldn't trust her as far as I could throw her.

On another note- it's been a month since my second shot. I'm still here!

Random Thoughts

And here we are again- Sunday night. 

I've been in my favorite phase the past week, PMS time, and boy have things been pissing me off left and right. Things that to a normal person make no sense to get bent out of shape about. Not that that isn't a normal thing for me to do on a normal basis, but it's exceptionally bad when I'm PMSing. One day last week, my manager is at lunch and she comes over and asks me if she can lower my radio, she was having a hard time concentrating reading her book. That in itself isn't so much what pissed me off. It's the fact that she is reading LEISURELY and can't concentrate, and I have to deal almost everyday trying to concentrate doing my fucking WORK while my FWA and the MOB talk nonstop about their Jerry Springer lives. While my manager just hides in her office and does not do a DAMN thing about it. THAT is what damn pissed me off so much about it.

Then this past Wednesday my Facebook newsfeed has been clogged with posts complaining about the Dr. Seuss books no longer being published....that too has been grinding my gears. And let me point out that many of these posts have fact check disclaimers on them. FFS, people if you're going to whine on Facebook about other people whining, then do some damn RESEARCH. And while I do agree that people are taking political correctness a little too far and getting way too butthurt over shit nowadays, I also feel that to get pissed at these people is ridiculous. Just because YOU aren't offended, no one else can be offended by things? 

ETA 3/9: A former coworker of mine is still periodically posting things on Facebook bitching about the whole Dr. Seuss thing. Good God. Did anybody or you get ill? Die? Was there mass destruction? Did the world end or nearly end? JFC GET OVER IT. LET IT GO ALREADY.

The Stupid Of The Day

Adam Levine Slammed On Social Media After He Says ‘There Aren’t Bands Anymore’

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Song Of The Day

Another song courtesy of WMMR that's become a favorite:

Random Thoughts

Two weeks since my second dose and what do you know? I'm still alive. I didn't die. I didn't turn into a zombie. I didn't become a slave to Bill Gates a la the robots to Mom in the "Mother's Day" episode of Futurama. My children didn't turn gay or trans. I don't have kids, but that's not important right now. 

Another weekend almost over. I feel like it's no sooner 4:30 on a Friday and in the blink of an eye it's Sunday and almost time to go back to work. By dinner time on Saturday night I start getting this overwhelming feeling of the blues about the weekend being almost over. I look forward to my [boring] Saturday routine so much that when it's over, it depresses me. Sometimes I swear it's the only thing that gets me through the week.

The song "The End of the World" by Skeeter Davis just came on in my iTunes playlist. I knew that song long before I ever saw Girl, Interrupted, but ever since that movie, I cannot listen to that song without thinking of Susanna finding Daisy after she hangs herself. That scene still haunts me to this day. I love that movie, but I guess with having mental issues of my own, sometimes I have a hard time watching it. It leaves me feeling kind of unsettled sometimes when I watch it. I don't really know why.

Song Of The Day

I've always heard of the band Godsmack, but I've never actually heard any of their songs. I've been listening to WMMR a lot lately and have finally heard some of their music. This song just freaking ROCKS:

Huzzah!

Well, folks, I'm officially vaccinated. Except for a fairly sore arm, I'm feeling okay. How I'll feel later on or tomorrow might be a horse of another color.

ETA 2/13: I'm not feeling terrible, but I can't say I am feeling great. I have a strange headache, keep getting periodic body aches, and keep getting hot flashes. It's nothing too disruptive but still unpleasant.

EEEEEK

Four more days until I get my booster shot. I've heard that the second one can be a lot more brutal, so I'm prepping myself for possibly feeling like crap. At least I'll have the weekend to ride it out. 

That is, if the stupid weather cooperates, since there's talk of snow from Wednesday through Friday. For the love of God, this past couple of weeks has been brutal. I don't mind shoveling, and I consider myself to be relatively in good shape, but there's only so much shoveling a 5'3, 120 some pound girl can take. Especially when it's not light fluffy snow, but that heavy wet snow. I spent a good chunk of yesterday afternoon shoveling, and I could barely move the rest of the night from being so stiff and sore. My back is no longer in the greatest of shape and all of this shoveling isn't helping by any means. 

But I'm going off topic here. NO MORE SNOW THIS WEEK! I want my second shot!

Song Of The Day

I've been super enjoying this song lately, not quite sure why:

Love Stinks (Yeah Yeah)

I have a year subscription to Readers Digest and in the most recent issue, there was a story from a teacher about a humiliating Valentine's Day experience, and it got me thinking about embarrassing "love" situations in my own life. None of them might seem that bad, but you have to remember that my self-esteem is practically non-existent and pretty much always has been, so these things did quite a bit.

There's the infamous Drew, who made my sixth grade experience a miserable one. But the thing is, he actually liked me in the beginning and asked me out. And I said yes. And then I am not real clear anymore what happened, I think I called a friend of his an asshole after he started making trouble, and Drew told me it was over. I was like well, okay. And then the rest of the year turned into being called a fat fuck, other names involving "fat" in them, being yelled at if I even looked over his way, being sexually harassed, having to hear him singing "Dude Looks Like A Lady" any time he saw me walking down the hallway, etc.

That same year, I developed a major crush on this kid Mark. And I was on somewhat good terms with a friend of his. And he supposedly went over one day while we were at our lockers and asked Mark if he would go out with me, and I saw him shake his head no. I was pretty crushed. But according to this friend of his, he supposedly made a rather not nice remark about me at some point, but he wouldn't tell me it was, so I am going to assume it must have been pretty nasty.

Then my first year in marching band, when I was a junior, a senior bandie named Scott wanted to go out with me. And I said yes. After a few weeks, it wasn't going anywhere, and one night he tells me he is so busy with his classes and getting ready for college and doesn't really have time to have a girlfriend. So we agreed to just not go out anymore. Only for him to ask a freshman named Barbara (another fellow bandie) out a few days later. Later he went around telling everyone that HE broke up with ME because and I quote he's an extrovert, and I was an introvert. Gee, Einstein if my being an introvert wasn't EXTREMELY obvious from the beginning, then that's on you! Pretty sure people on the International Space Station can see it.

The good things that came out of it- after "breaking up"and then asking this other girl out, a friend of mine threw a shoe at his head. Barbara and I became pretty good friends after they broke up. And then he went on to another girl who he later knocked up, and if I recall correctly, dumped her as well.

Then my senior year I had a crush on a freshman bandie named Ellis. A friend of his went and opened his big mouth to him that I had a crush on him and one day he starts talking to me and telling me pretty nastily that he wasn't interested in me. And then he asked a friend of mine Amber out. We had a band dance not long after that. He made sure every time he was dancing with her to do it right in front of me. Even if I moved across the room, he followed with her. It amazes me to this day that such a scrawny little dork thought so highly of himself. Let me just point out now that when people said he looked like Lock without his mask from the Nightmare Before Christmas, I totally see it now and have to ask myself WTF I was on.

Then there's a long string of guys engaging with me online. One guy responded with "that seems kind of fat" after asking my weight. Another guy accused me of being racist after I said I wasn't interested (it was his age, not his race. How could I be racist against someone if I have no idea what they even look like or what race they are??). And many others who disappeared any time any mention of my mental issues popped up.

On another note- we had a new girl start some time after the New Year. She always comes in wearing a mask. Then this past Friday she took lunch with my FWA, my manager, and another girl. I didn't see her wearing a mask the rest of the afternoon. So now we'll probably have another maskless idiot walking around the office.  I love the picking and choosing of wearing a mask. It doesn't matter if you put a mask when certain people are around you. When I go into my manager's office, she'll put a mask on. I don't understand what these people don't understand. You already sat there maskless, expelling all your nasty germ-filled particles out into the air before another person came over. They're not just going to disappear, they're going to linger!

I swear to God, sometimes I just really cannot deal with the world anymore.

Song Of The Day

 I never thought I'd come to like a song by the Weeknd.....but here we are:

Random Thoughts

I was driving home from work the other day and "The Speed of Sound" by Coldplay came on and was hit with a gut punching realization that this January 13th was 15 years since I was in the hospital. Fifteen years! And I still feel like it was just yesterday. And every time I think of being in there, I just don't even know how to handle it. It was such a disgustingly dark time in my life that I can't seem to ever shake.

And today while I was driving home, that old Jon Secada song "Just Another Day Without You" came on and it made me feel so depressed. I do like the song, don't get me wrong, but it's just so damn depressing.

I know I need to be patient, but between work and all these new variants, I can't get my second shot soon enough. And I know there's probably no point in dwelling over it- oh hell, give me a break. If you don't know I dwell over everything by now, then I don't know what to tell you. Not to mention I come from a long line of dwellers. But it just seriously pisses me off that my coworkers walk around with no masks. And although I am pretty much by myself most of the time, people do have to come back to use the scanner and they're far too close to me for my liking, even though it is probably at least six feet away from me. But no masks, folks!

And my FWA is the most annoying. Because not only does she come back with no mask, but she'll come back to scan shit and as soon as it starts, she whips out her phone and starts to play on it. And her shit will finish scanning. And she'll sit there and sit there and sit there, completely absorbed in her phone until I am ready to scream BITCH YOUR SHIT IS DONE. Just scan it and get the hell away from me